


The Princess Husband

by angelholme



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Princess Bride - William Goldman
Genre: F/M, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, Script Frenzy, movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-02
Packaged: 2017-11-20 03:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/580561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelholme/pseuds/angelholme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mere days before his wedding to Ginny, Harry is kidnapped by an evil trio. But who is the masked figure in black?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer**
> 
>  
> 
> I don't own "The Princess Bride", nor do I own Harry Potter or any associated characters. 
> 
> I am claiming ownership of this story, however, because I am quite proud of it. 
> 
> So - if you want to repost this story anywhere else, you can providing you follow the four steps :-
> 
> 1) Keep both disclaimers (start and end) intact and unmodified.  
> 2) Credit me as the author.  
> 3) Do not put it anywhere people have to pay to read it. I don't mind this being reposted, but I will NOT have people making money off my work.  
> 4) Tell me where it is posted, so I can keep track of my work. 
> 
>  
> 
> **Notes**
> 
>  
> 
> This was written in 2009 as an entry to "Script Frenzy" (write a 100 page screenplay in 30 days - a spin off of NaNoWriMo), but I haven't got round to formatting it for publication until this point. 
> 
> The Princess Bride is one of my favourite films of all time - it is just so good and so funny - and so I hope I have done it justice here. 
> 
> Finally - history suggests when I post this at Archive Of Our Own, it is going to screw with the formatting something chronic. So - just beware of that when reading the story!

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

_There are two beds, one with golden snitches on the sheets,  
and one with dragons. The rest of the room has cupboards, a  
TV, bookshelves and so on._

_In the bed with the golden snitches is a young girl with  
blonde, curly hair and green eyes. This is Eloise Potter._

_In the bed with dragons is a boy with black, messy hair and  
blue eyes. This is Leo Potter._

_The door opens, and Luna Potter walks in. She is around 35,  
with blonde, curly hair._

LUNA POTTER  
(smiling indulgently)  
Come on kids - time to put the  
lights out and go to sleep.

ELOISE POTTER  
(whining as children do)  
But mum - we want a story.

LEO POTTER  
(similar tone)  
You promised us a story if we were  
good.

_Luna tilts her head to one side, then nods._

LUNA POTTER  
What kind of story do you want?

ELOISE POTTER  
One with heroes!

LEO POTTER  
Villains!

ELOISE POTTER  
Giants!

LEO POTTER  
Sword fights!

ELOISE POTTER  
Spiders!

LEO POTTER  
Pirates!

ELOISE POTTER  
Lost Love!

LEO POTTER  
Dramatic rescues!

ELOISE POTTER  
Giants!

LEO POTTER  
(turning to stare at his  
sister)  
You said giants already.

ELOISE POTTER  
(shrugs and grins)  
I like giants!

LUNA POTTER  
(grinning)  
Okay - I know what story I will  
tell you.

ELOISE POTTER  
It has to be a true story.

LUNA POTTER  
(frowns for a moment, then  
smiles)  
I think I can manage that.

_She walks over to a chair, and sits down. Pausing  
dramatically, she looks at her two children._

LUNA POTTER  
A long time ago, in a galaxy far,  
far away....

LEO POTTER  
(exasperated)  
Oh mum - we've heard that one  
already.

LUNA POTTER  
(sighs)  
Okay, okay.

_She pauses, then grins._

LUNA POTTER  
This is a story of your father,  
before he became Professor of  
History at Hogwarts.

**INT DETECTIVE OFFICE, NEW YORK**

_Harry Potter, dressed in a sharp suit and a fedora, is sat  
on the floor, writing on some parchment._

HARRY POTTER  
(voice over)  
I was working on a case. It had to  
be a case, because the bailiffs had  
repossessed my desk. I looked up as  
a tall blonde walked past the  
window. She had to be tall - I was  
on the twelfth floor. There was a  
tap on the....

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LEO POTTER  
ELOISE POTTER  
(even more exasperated)  
MUM!!!

_Luna laughs, then grins._

LUNA POTTER  
Very well.

_She leans back and rolls up her sleeves, then pulls a book  
out of one of them. It is entitled "The Princess' Husband".  
She opens it at the first page, then looks back at the  
children. But due to the camera position, she is in fact  
staring straight in to the camera._

LUNA POTTER  
Are you sitting comfortably? Then  
I'll begin.

**OPENING CREDITS**

_(on screen text)_

  
**GEMINI PRODUCTIONS** in partnership with  
 **HOME OF THE ANGEL STUDIOS** proudly present

A **SAMMYWRAE** story.

_Starring_

**LUNA LOVEGOOD  
HARRY POTTER  
GINNY WEASLEY**

_with_

**DRACO MALFOY  
FILIUS FLITWICK  
RUBEUS HAGRID**

_featuring_

**RON WEASLEY  
FRED WEASLEY  
GEORGE WEASLEY**

_and starring_

**_Hermione Granger_ **

** THE PRINCESS HUSBAND **

_Adaptation by  
SammyWrae_

_based on the novel by  
William Goldman_

_the original story by  
Simon Morgenstern_

_and the characters created by  
J.K. Rowling._   


**EXT SETTING SUN FARM, FLORIN**

_It is a typical farm during the summer. There is a farm  
house, a large shed, and a few cows roaming loose in the  
pasture._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
On a farm in Florin there lived a  
young man.

_We see a young man with messy black hair and green eyes  
wandering around._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
His name was Buttercup

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(turning to face the camera)  
I thought we'd agreed I was going  
to be called Harry.

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over, grinning)  
Sorry sweetie.

_Harry walks over to the shed, and goes inside._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over, back to normal)  
Harry had an easy life. He flew,  
read books, flew, milked the cows  
and flew.

ELOISE POTTER  
(voice over)  
So he liked flying?

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
To say the least.

_Harry encounters a young woman with blonde, curly hair and  
bright blue eyes._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
The one dark cloud in Harry's life  
was the serving girl on the farm. A  
girl by the name of Moon Lovegood.

_The blonde woman (who looks exactly like Luna) turns to the  
camera._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(frowning)  
My parents were hippies, and they  
really enjoyed the sixties.

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over, laughing)  
That's your excuse?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(grins at her)  
Yup.

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Fair enough (pauses) Now, where was  
I?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
You were explaining how blondie  
here was the bane of my life.

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Oh yeah - thank you (pauses) If  
there was one dark cloud in Harry's  
life, it was the serving girl Moon  
Lovegood.

_Harry puts two pails down in front of Moon._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Serving girl - fill those milk  
pails.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(smiles)  
By your command.

**EXT SETTING SUN FARM, FLORIN**

_Harry flies in on a broom, dismounts, and carries it over to  
Moon._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Serving girl - see to my broom.  
Make sure you polish it - I want to  
be able to see my face in it by  
tonight.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(smiles)  
By your command.

**INT FARM HOUSE, SETTING SUN FARM**

_Harry walks in to the farm house to find Moon polishing the  
dining room table._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
But as the days went by, Harry  
realised that his feelings for Moon  
were changing.

ELOISE POTTER  
(voice over)  
Oh - how sweet.

LEO POTTER  
(voice over)  
Oh good god.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(looking around, then seeing  
something)  
Serving girl.... (hesitates) fetch  
me that candle.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(smiling)  
By your command.

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
And he realised that he was not the  
only one. When ever Moon said 'by  
your command', she had not, in  
fact, been taken over by a cylon,  
but was actually saying 'I love  
you'.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(grins at the camera)  
It's true. But wouldn't the cylon  
thing have been cool?

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Yes, but this is a Harry  
Potter/Princess Bride Crossover,  
and not a Harry Potter/BattleStar  
Galactica Crossover (pauses) Plus  
you are far too sweet to be a cylon  
and Sammy knows bugger all about  
the new series anyway.

SAMMY WRAE  
(voice over)  
It's true - I know nothing about the  
new series. Except Dirk Benedict has  
turned in to a woman. But that's all

_Moon simply rolls her eyes._

**EXT SETTING SUN FARM, FLORIN**

_Harry and Moon stand at the gate, looking in to each other's  
eyes._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Must you go?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
I must. I can not ask you to marry  
a serving girl, so I must seek my  
fortune, and return to you a woman  
of means (pauses) And if I stay,  
then all those people will have  
come for nothing.

**INT MOVIE STUDIO**

_The camera swings round to show Draco Malfoy, Hermione  
Granger, Filius Flitwick, Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley, Albus  
Dumbledore, Fred Weasley, George Weasley and Rubeus Hagrid  
all stood in the corner of the studio._

**EXT SETTING SUN FARM, FLORIN**

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
But - I thought you loved me.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
How can you doubt it? I love you  
more each day. And just when I  
think I have reached the limit of  
my love, more love comes out  
(pauses) Remember when Flossy had  
that stomach infection? And it  
ended up coming out of both ends?

_Harry wrinkles his nose, but Moon is so caught up in her  
explanation that she doesn't see._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
My love is like that - there is so  
much that it is threatening to  
burst out of every orifice just  
like Flossy's....

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

_Leo and Eloise are staring at their mother with slight looks  
of horror._

LUNA POTTER  
You know what - lets just say she  
loved him, and leave it at that.

**EXT SETTING SUN FARM, FLORIN**

_Moon walks down the path to the gate, then turns and looks  
back._

_Harry runs down the path afterwards, and flings himself in  
to her arms._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

ELOISE POTTER  
Is this going to be a kissing  
story?

LUNA POTTER  
It's possible.

ELOISE POTTER  
(grins)  
Good!

**EXT SETTING SUN FARM, FLORIN**

_Harry watches as Luna walks out of the farm, then slowly  
turns and walks back up the path, and disappears in to the  
farm house._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
The next night, he learned that  
Moon's ship had been attacked on  
the high seas.

_The children gasp in surprise._

LUNA POTTER  
Attacked by The Dread Pirate  
Roberts.

LEO POTTER  
(whispering)  
She never takes prisoners.

**INT FARM HOUSE, SETTING SUN FARM**

_Harry is leaning back in his chair, staring in to the fire._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(mournfully)  
I will never love again.

**EXT CASTLE SQUARE, FLORIN**

_(a caption appears, reading "FIVE YEARS LATER")._

_The castle square is abuzz with people, and is draped in  
banners and the like. They are all staring up at the  
parapets, behind which the flag is flying at full mast._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
It was five years later....

ELOISE POTTER  
(voice over)  
We know - we read the caption.

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Yes, you're very smart (pauses) It  
was five years later, and the main  
castle square was alive with talk  
and wonder, as it was rumoured that  
The Crown Princess Ginevra  
Humperdink was going to announce  
the name of her fiance.

_A young woman with red hair, brown eyes and a slightly  
pretty smile strides out on to the battlements. The crowd  
falls silent._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(speaking loudly)  
My people - today is a glorious  
day.

_She pauses for cheers._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(same loud voice)  
For today, I am pleased and proud  
to announce the name of my beloved  
\- the man who will one day become  
your king.

_She pauses dramatically. You could literally hear a pin drop  
in the square._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
So may I present my fiance - his  
future royal highness, Prince Harry  
Buttercup.

_Harry walks out to stand next to Ginny, and the crowd goes  
nuts with cheers, applause, whistles and so forth. Ginny and  
Harry wave for a few minutes, Ginny grinning widely, while  
Harry's face remains impassive. Then Ginny speaks again._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
I will marry him three nights after  
the next full moon, and the country  
of Florin will rejoice.

_She smiles, then she and Harry depart as the crowd continues  
its adoration._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Harry's days were filled with  
loneliness, his nights with bad  
dreams.

**EXT RIDING PATH, FLORIN**

_Harry is flying along the path, occasionally doing loops._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
To relieve the boredom, and the  
overpowering sense of loss he still  
felt at Moon's death, he took to  
flying every day.

_Looking down, Harry sees a group of three people standing  
under a tree, all looking at a map._

_He flies down, dismounts, and walks over to the group. Here  
he finds Draco Vezzini, Hermione Montoya and Filius Fezzik._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(smiling politely)  
May I help you?

DRACO VEZZINI  
(turns, smiling politely)  
We are but three humble circus  
performers, lost on the road as we  
go to our next job. Perhaps could  
you tell us where we are?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
You are in the land of Florin,  
under the rule of Good King Arthur.

DRACO VEZZINI  
(sighing)  
I knew I should've made that left  
turn at Albuquerque (he sighs) Is  
there a town, or perchance an inn  
nearby where we could rest?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(shaking his head)  
No, good sir, there is no one  
within five miles of here.

DRACO VEZZINI  
That is good, for there will be no  
one to hear you when you scream (he  
whips out his wand and stuns Harry,  
who collapses) Search him, then tie  
him up.

_Hermione walks over, rifles through Harry's pockets, then  
turns back to Draco._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
He is clean, Vezzini.

_She turns back, and ties Harry's hands behind his back._

_Draco rubs his hands together in an evil manner._

DRACO VEZZINI  
Excellent (glances at the broom,  
then pulls a scrap of material out  
of his pocket and jams it on to the  
bristles) Send that back where it  
came from. When The Princess finds  
it, she will think soldiers from  
Guilder took him.

_Hermione casts a spell on the broom, and it flies away._

DRACO VEZZINI  
And when he is found dead on the  
boarder, war will almost assured.

_Filius frowns._

FILIUS FEZZIK  
You didn't say we were going to  
kill him. I don't think I like  
killing.

DRACO VEZZINI  
(scornful)  
Think? (laughs) I am not paying you  
to think, you great oaf. I am  
paying you to be the muscle.

_Filius glares at him, but says nothing._

DRACO VEZZINI  
(looking around)  
We should be going. Fezzik - take  
him.

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
(laying the book down)  
Harry is alright.

_The two children stare at her in confusion._

LUNA POTTER  
(biting her lip)  
Sorry - I thought the story might  
be getting a bit scary, so I  
thought I'd reassure you Harry is  
not going to be harmed now.

_The two children both roll their eyes in unison._

LUNA POTTER  
(smirks)  
Fine - see if I am so nice next  
time.

_She picks the book up again, and continues to read._

**EXT A BOAT, FLORIN CHANNEL**

_Harry is lying on the deck, still tied up. Filius is  
steering the boat, while Draco is sat on a chair reading a  
parchment. Hermione is sat on the stern, occasionally  
glancing backwards._

**EXT ANOTHER BOAT, FLORIN CHANNEL**

_We can see the boat Harry is on in the distance. All we can  
see of this boat is a person dressed, all in black,  
steering._

**EXT A BOAT, FLORIN CHANNEL**

_Hermione glances back again, this time catching Draco's  
attention as she does._

DRACO VEZZINI  
Something wrong, Montoya?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(hesitant)  
I just thought we were being  
followed.

DRACO VEZZINI  
Redoubtable! This is the fastest  
ship in the country!

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(shrugs)  
Perhaps I was mistaken.

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
(laying the book down)  
This bit goes on for a while, and  
it gets kind of boring. Water,  
boat, water, boat, giant squid  
attack, water, boat (She flicks  
through a number of pages, then  
nods) Meanwhile, back at...

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
.... the castle, Princess  
Humperdink made a surprising  
discovery.

_Harry's broom floats down in to the courtyard, and a moment  
later, Ginny runs out and looks at it. She walks round it,  
then sees the fabric stuck in the tail._

_A moment later, an angry look comes across her face, and she  
pulls out her wand and swishes it back and forth._

_An alarm rings out, and less than thirty seconds later, a  
number of guards and Count Rugen come running in._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Ron - I want you to arrange a  
hunting party.

RONALD RUGEN  
Of course, my lady (he glances at  
the broom) You believe your  
intended is in peril?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Yes (pauses) And when I find the  
ones that does this, it will be  
they who are in peril.

**EXT A BOAT, FLORIN CHANNEL**

_The boat pulls up alongside some HUGE cliffs._

DRACO VEZZINI  
(rubbing his hands together)  
Excellent! The Kedavra Cliffs!  
He'll never be able to follow us up  
there!!

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(glancing over her shoulder)  
He's still following us.

DRACO VEZZINI  
(following her gaze)  
Redoubtable!

_Hermione drags Harry off the boat, then the four of them  
walk up to the bottom of the cliffs._

DRACO VEZZINI  
(still staring at the oncoming  
boat)  
Bah - who cares? He'll never be  
able to follow us up the cliffs on  
his own!

_The three of them pull out their wands._

DRACO VEZZINI  
(pointing his wand at  
Hermione)  
WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!

_Hermione floats up in to the air, then is propelled upwards  
until she lands at the top of the cliffs._

_Hermione then points her wand down, and she, Draco, Hermione  
and Filius point their wands at Harry and cast the  
levitation spell._

_He floats up and lands next to Hermione._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
If you move, I will blast you off  
the cliff.

_Harry nods reluctantly._

_A moment later, Draco floats up next to Hermione, then  
points his wand down and levitates Filius up._

_Draco stares down as the boat pulls in to the edge of the  
cliffs._

DRACO VEZZINI  
He docked his boat? Redoubtable!

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(turning to look at him)  
You keep using that word. I do not  
think it means what you think it  
means.

DRACO VEZZINI  
(glancing at her)  
Redoubtable, from the French  
reduter - to dread. It means  
causing fear or alarm.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(looking surprise)  
Okay - so it does mean what you  
think it means.

_They all look down to see a figure in black stood at the  
bottom of the cliffs._

DRACO VEZZINI  
Never mind! He will never make it  
up here alone!

_As they watch, there is a loud explosion, and the figure is  
propelled a few feet upwards. A second later, it is  
repeated, and the figure flies up another few feet._

DRACO VEZZINI  
He's doing it on his own?  
Redoubtable!

_There's another blast._

DRACO VEZZINI  
(looking at Hermione)  
Stop him. I don't care how - blast  
him to bits, drop a rock on his  
head - just stop him.

_Hermione nods._

DRACO VEZZINI  
We'll take the prince, and you  
catch us up at the pass.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
I'm going to duel him wanded.

DRACO VEZZINI  
(rolls his eyes)  
We're in a bit of a rush.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
It is the only way I can have any  
fun - it is over too quickly  
otherwise.

DRACO VEZZINI  
(sighs in exasperation)  
Fine! Just get it done!

_He turns to Filius and gestures to Harry._

DRACO VEZZINI  
Pick him up. Lets go.

**EXT KEDAVRA CLIFFS, FLORIN**

_The figure in black points a wand down._

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE  
(shouting)  
REDUCTO!

**EXT KEDAVRA CLIFFS, FLORIN**

_Hermione is looking down, watching the progress of the  
figure._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(calling down)  
Are you alright down there?

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE  
(looking up)  
Fine, thank you.

_Hermione paces back and forth, making a few gestures with  
her hand. A moment later, she walks back over to the edge of  
the cliff._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(calling down)  
I don't suppose you could hurry  
this up. It's just I've got things  
to do.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE  
(looking up, sarcastic)  
Sorry to be inconveniencing you.

_Hermione sits down, dangling her legs over the edge._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(staring out to sea)  
This quite a nice place. I should  
bring my sister here for a picnic.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE  
(sighs)  
Forgive me, but this is not as easy  
at it looks, and your distracting  
me is not helping.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(contritely)  
Sorry (looks down) Is there  
anything I can do?

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE  
Nothing springs to mind

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
I could levitate you up.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE  
You're waiting up there to kill me.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(nodding contemplatively)  
Good point (pauses) I could give  
you my word as an evil  
kidnapper-slash-murderer-slash-war-  
starter.

_The figure in black simply stares at her._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(sighing)  
Yeah - I wouldn't trust me either  
(pauses) I swear on the soul of my  
father.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE  
(staring in to her eyes)  
Okay (pauses) You know I can see up  
your skirt from here, right?

_Hermione jumps to her feet, blushing, backs off a few steps,  
then points her wand down._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(shouting)  
WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!

_The mysterious figure floats up to the top of the cliffs,  
and comes to a halt in front of Hermione. At which point we  
realise it is not a man in black, but a woman in black._

_The woman in black raises her hands, but Hermione holds her  
hand up stopping her._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
We can wait a few moments - you  
must be tired.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(smiling)  
Thank you - that is very kind.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
It would hardly be fair to attack  
when you are not ready.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
For an  
evil-kidnapper-slash-murderer-slash  
-war-starter you are a surprisingly  
nice woman.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(blushing slightly)  
Thank you.

_They both sit down, and the woman in black pours some sand  
out of her boots. After a few minutes, the woman in black  
looks up._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(sounding curious)  
Aren't you going to ask me if I  
have six fingers on my right hand?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
What makes you think that?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
I thought you were looking for the  
man who killed your father.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
No - I'm looking for the person who  
broke my heart.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
And that's not me?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Unless you are hiding more than  
your wand in your pants, not so  
much.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
You mean this isn't one of those  
stories where Sammy hooks up you up  
with Luna?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Not so much, no.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
But...

_She reaches clicks her fingers, and a blue manuscript  
appears in her hands. She gives it to Hermione, who glances  
at it._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
"The Princess Husband" - a  
screenplay by SammyWrae?

_She looks up at the woman in black._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
This is the outdated version - the  
new one is pink, and it had a  
rewrite in this scene.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Really?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Yeah - the dead father thing has  
been done to death, if you'll  
excuse the phrase, so they changed  
my back story.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(rolling her eyes)  
Nobody tells me anything (sighs) So  
what is your tragic back story?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(smiling)  
I'm glad you asked.

**INT A CHURCH, GUILDER**

_It is the start of a wedding. The guests fill both sides of  
the aisle, there are garlands and bowers all over the place._

_However there is no groom, and the bride is stood at the  
back of the church, talking to two men with bright red hair._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Where is he?

**EXT KEDAVRA CLIFFS, FLORIN**

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(looking angry)  
The bastard stood me up! In front  
of all my friends and family! He  
ran away! (suddenly becomes cold  
and quiet) I haven't seen him  
since, but the day will come where  
I will confront him (she stands up)  
I will look him straight in the  
eye, and say "My name is Hermione  
Montoya. You broke my heart.  
Prepare to die!"

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(awed)  
Oh wow.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(sighs)  
But it's been fifteen years, and I  
have no idea where he is. So I've  
spent every second of every minute  
of every hour of every day of every  
week of every month...

_She stops as the woman in black raises her hand._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
I get it.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
But I was going to go up to light  
year.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Isn't light year a unit of  
distance?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Is it? (shrugs) Anyway - I've spent  
all the time I can practising  
duelling and learning enough magic  
to make me invincible.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Impressive (she pauses) You swore  
on the soul of your father.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(grins)  
I know (pauses) I lied.

_The woman in black stares at her for a moment, then grins  
back._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Just when you think you can trust  
an evil-kidnapper-slash-murderer...

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(holds up her hands)  
I get the idea.

_The woman in black stands up, and dusts off her pants._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Shall we?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Are you rested enough?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Even if I'm not, you've been more  
than gracious.

_They walk a few steps apart, turn and face each other,  
drawing their wands._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(bows)  
You seem a decent woman. I'd hate  
to kill you.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(bows)  
You seem a decent woman. I'd hate  
to die.

_They stare at each other for a moment, then Hermione brings  
her wand slashing down, sending a bolt of red light at the  
woman in black._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
The duel ranged all over, with  
bolts of light filling the area.

**EXT KEDAVRA CLIFFS, FLORIN**

_The duel is ranging all over, and the area is alight with  
spell fire._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Told you

_The woman in black jumps back, then drops her wand._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
EXPELLIARMUS!

_The spell hits the woman in black, but has no affect. She  
ducks down and picks up her wand._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
STUPEFY!

_Hermione jumps to one side out of the way._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Why didn't that spell work?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
I wasn't holding a wand, so how you  
could disarm me?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
You are amazing!

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Thank you (bows) I have worked hard  
to become so.

_They start exchanging spell fire again, until the woman in  
black casts a series of blasting and cutting spells that  
forces Hermione back towards a solid wall of rock._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Why are you smiling?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Because I know something that you  
do not know.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
What is that?

_Hermione ducks and weaves to avoid bit hit._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
EXPELLIARMUS!

_Hermione's wand flies out of her hand, bounces off the rock  
and lands in the hand of the woman in black. She grins at  
Hermione, who merely raises her hands._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
I can also do wandless magic.  
REDUCTO!

_The woman in black ducks, but then starts backing up as  
repeated spells crash in to the shield she is holding up._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LEO POTTER  
(smiling)  
Yeah! Go Hermione!

ELOISE POTTER  
(frowning)  
She's the bad guy, stupid!

LEO POTTER  
But wandless magic is cool!

LUNA POTTER  
(grinning)  
If I may?

**EXT KEDAVRA CLIFFS, FLORIN**

_Hermione blasts the ground in front of the woman in black,  
and the woman in black trips on a rock, sending her wand  
spinning out of her hand._

_They stare at each other for a moment._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
You are disarmed (pauses,  
disconcerted) And yet you are also  
smiling.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
That is because there is something  
you should know.

_She raises her hands and sends Hermione flying backwards in  
to the dirt._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
I can also do wandless magic as  
well.

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

ELOISE POTTER  
LEO POTTER  
Woohoo!!!

**EXT KEDAVRA CLIFFS, FLORIN**

_The two woman continue to fight, with neither of them  
gaining any real ground._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Who are you?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Just a woman on vacation.

_Hermione throws two stunning spells in a row, but the woman  
in black sidesteps them both._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
You will not tell me?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Word gets out, everyone will want  
to fight me.

_After a moment, the woman in black ducks a blasting spell,  
then sends a tripping jinx back, causing Hermione to fall  
down. A second later, her hands are bound._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(staring up, mutinously)  
Fine. You win. Go ahead - kill me.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(shaking her head)  
I would sooner kiss Potions Master  
Snape than destroy someone as  
talented as you (pauses) But since  
I can not have you following me....

_She stuns Hermione, then bows once._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Forgive me, but I must go. ACCIO  
WANDS!

_The two wands fly towards her, and she drops Hermione's in  
the unconscious woman's hands._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Farewell, and may you find your  
ex-fiance, and give him a kick in  
the...

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Leg.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
...for me.

_She turns, and runs down the path that Draco and Filius  
took._

**EXT A ROCKY FIELD, FLORIN**

_Draco and Filius stare down the path to where the woman in  
black is running towards them._

DRACO VEZZINI  
She bested my dueller? Redoubtable!

_He turns to where Filius is standing, levitating Harry  
behind him._

DRACO VEZZINI  
Give me the prince - wait here, and  
take care of him, your way.

_Filius nods, then frowns._

DRACO VEZZINI  
(annoyed tone)  
What?

FILIUS FEZZIK  
What is my way?

DRACO VEZZINI  
Pick up a boulder, and when he  
comes round the corner, drop it on  
his head.

FILIUS FEZZIK  
Oh (pauses) My way doesn't sound  
very sporting.

DRACO VEZZINI  
Sporting? You are an assassin, you  
moron!

_Filius starts mumbling to himself as Draco levitates Harry,  
and runs off up the path._

**EXT A ROCKY FIELD, FLORIN**

_The woman in black runs up the path, then skids to a halt as  
she realises that everything has gone silent._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Hello?

_A rock comes out of nowhere, flying over her head and  
exploding on another, bigger boulder._

FILIUS FEZZIK  
(coming out from behind a  
tree)  
I missed on purpose you know.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(holding her hands up)  
I believe you.

FILIUS FEZZIK  
I could kill you right now  
(levitates another boulder in to  
the air) But that doesn't seem  
fair.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(staying perfectly still)  
I understand (pauses) What do you  
suggest?

FILIUS FEZZIK  
You put down your wand, I put down  
mine - we fight mano a... womano.

_The woman in black looks Filius (who is about one third his  
size) up and down._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
You don't think that would be a  
bit, you know, one sided?

FILIUS FEZZIK  
(smiles confidently)  
I'm not worried.

_The woman in black looks him up and down again, then shrugs._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Then I agree.

_She puts her wands in to her robes, then takes a step  
forward._

FILIUS FEZZIK  
(holds up his hand)  
One second.

_As the woman in black watches, Filius Fezzik morphs in to  
Rubeus Fezzik - an eight foot tall giant._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

ELOISE POTTER  
Yay! A giant!!

**EXT A ROCKY FIELD, FLORIN**

_The woman stares up at him in disbelief._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(grinning broadly)  
Ready?

_The woman continues to stare at him in disbelief._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(looking him up and down)  
You never mentioned you were a  
giant.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
You never asked (cracks his  
knuckles) So - we fight?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(looks him up and down one  
more time, then sighs in  
resignation)  
Okay.

**EXT KEDAVRA CLIFFS, FLORIN**

_Ginny and Ron are examining the site of the first duel.  
Hermione has obviously recovered and run off. In the  
background are three castle guards on horseback, and two  
spare horses._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
There was a magical duel.

_She pulls out her wand, casts a quick spell. A few seconds  
later, beams of light appear showing the path of all the  
spells cast._

RONALD RUGEN  
(looking around, slightly  
awed)  
Impressive.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(waves her hand dismissively)  
Amateur.

_She walks around, following the path of the various spells._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
It lasted a little while - they  
were both skilled in wanded and  
wandless magic....

_Glances off to the right._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
The loser ran off to the east.

RONALD RUGEN  
Shall we follow him?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
The loser of is no consequence.  
Only the Prince matters. We go  
North.

**EXT A ROCKY FIELD, FLORIN**

_The camera is tight on the face of the woman in black, so we can't see  
anything else._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
And now I have you right where I  
want you!

_The camera pulls out and rotates to show Rubeus holding  
her upside down above his head._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(no trace of sarcasm)  
You're doing very well. You should  
be proud of yourself.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Thank you.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
No - really.

_He throws her across the field, and she rolls over twice  
before hitting a rock._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Ow.

_She gets slowly to her feet, and turns to face him._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Why do you wear a mask?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
You don't think it suits me?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Oh no - it's very pretty. I was  
just curious.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
I used to be a teenage pop-star and  
don't like being recognised by the  
fan-girls.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Really?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(shakes her head)  
No - not really.

_She charges forward, smacks in to Rubeus, bounces off and  
lands on her bottom._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Ow!

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(looking apologetic)  
Sorry.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(climbing to her feet)  
It's okay - that was probably my  
fault. I should've done this!

_She runs towards him, jumps up and prepares to kick him in  
the face._

_He grabs her leg, spins her round, and dumps her back on the  
ground._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Or not.

_She climbs to her feet, then charges towards him at full  
pelt._

_He picks her up, and holds her off the ground in front of  
him._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Who are you?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(still dangling)  
Just a woman on vacation (she  
wriggles free, and drops to the  
ground, rolling away) I admit it, I  
can not beat you. You are too  
strong.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Then why are you smiling?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Because I know something you don't  
know.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
And what's that?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
There's a dragon behind you.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Oh! I've always wanted a dragon!

_Rubeus spins round, and the woman in black runs off up the  
path that Draco took with Harry._

_Rubeus turns back, looking confused._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Draco's not going to be happy about  
this.

_In a flash, he morphs back in to Filius Fezzik, then he  
sprints way to the west._

**EXT LARGE HILL, FLORIN**

_Draco is staring down from the top of a hill, wand held  
against Harry's throat._

DRACO VEZZINI  
(surprised tone)  
She's still alive? Red...

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(resigned tone)  
If you use the word redoubtable  
once more, I will kick you.

DRACO VEZZINI  
You know, highness, someone in your  
position would usually be more  
respectful of their captors.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(slightly sarcastic)  
You are going to kill me, dump my  
body on the border and use me to  
start a war that will see hundreds  
dead. Forgive me if I am not  
displaying the proper respect.

_Draco smacks him across the head._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
"You would do well to remember  
where you are" Draco hissed  
(pauses) Which, given there were no  
sibilants in the sentence, was  
quite impressive.

**EXT LARGE HILL, FLORIN**

_The woman in black runs along the path, then skids to a  
halt. Draco and Harry are sat on wooden stumps, Draco  
holding his wand to Harry's throat._

DRACO VEZZINI  
Stop right there!

_He presses the wand a little harder, causing Harry to  
whimper. The woman in black stops, then takes a couple of  
steps back._

DRACO VEZZINI  
(smiling)  
Better. So - you have bested my  
dueller, and defeated my giant.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Giant?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Filius.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(disbelief)  
He was a giant?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
A pretty fierce one at that.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Aren't giants supposed to be tall?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Maybe he's a new breed.

DRACO VEZZINI  
(impatient)  
Hem-hem!

_They both turn to look at him. Although since Harry is  
blindfold, he doesn't really see a lot of Draco._

DRACO VEZZINI  
If you're quite finished mocking  
the tiny giant, I believe I was  
threatening you?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Sorry - yes. Do continue. Please.

DRACO VEZZINI  
You have defeated my dueller, and  
bested my giant. Why?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(looks at Harry)  
They were in my way.

DRACO VEZZINI  
And now I stand in your way  
(pauses, looking down) Sit in your  
way. Do you plan to kill me also?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(smiles wryly)  
I dare do all that may become a man  
(Draco looks her up and down) Even  
if I am not likely to become a man  
myself.

DRACO VEZZINI  
So you would fight me for him?  
(looks at her contemplatively) Who  
are you? And who is he to you?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
I am just a woman on vacation. And  
what he is to me is none of your  
business.

DRACO VEZZINI  
You know you will have to take him  
from me.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
The thought had occurred.

DRACO VEZZINI  
Then we are in, as they say, a  
Mexican Stand-off. I am obviously  
no match for you magically, and you  
are no match for me intellectually.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
You are that smart?

DRACO VEZZINI  
You've heard of Rowena? Merlin?  
Dumbledore? (The woman in black  
nods) Hufflepuffs, all of them.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Then I challenge you to a battle of  
wits (Draco narrows his eyes) The  
winner keeps the prince.

DRACO VEZZINI  
And what does the loser get?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
A nice view of the ocean, for the  
rest of eternity.

_Draco stares at her for a moment, then a smile creeps across  
his face._

DRACO VEZZINI  
I accept!

**EXT A ROCKY FIELD, FLORIN**

_Ginny and Ronald are looking around the field where the  
fight between the woman in black and Filius Fezzik took  
place._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
There was an epic battle between a  
giant and someone else.

_She walks round the area, looking at the ground and the  
rocks._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
The man was quick, agile and supple  
and....(raises her eyebrows  
slightly) eventually escaped with  
his life.

RONALD RUGEN  
And the prince?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
The prince is still alive, or was -  
giants are not know for tidying up  
after themselves.

_They both run back to their horses, and while Ron mounts his  
carefully, Ginny leaps on to the back of it._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
The prince is alive - and woe  
betide the forces of Guilder should  
he not stay that way!

_They both ride off up the path that the woman in black took._

**EXT LARGE HILL, FLORIN**

_Harry is still tied up and blindfolded, while Draco and the  
woman in black sit face to face._

DRACO VEZZINI  
As the challenger, you may start.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(nods)  
A brick weighs ten pounds plus half  
a brick. How heavy is a brick?

DRACO VEZZINI  
The brick weighs twenty pounds. If  
you are travelling at the speed of  
light, and cast a lumos spell ahead  
of you, do you see the light?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Yes, you do. You are carrying three  
five pound boxes over a bridge that  
can only support your weight plus  
ten pounds. How do you do it?

_Draco furrows his brow, then grins._

DRACO VEZZINI  
You juggle the boxes, so you are  
only ever carrying two at once. You  
go north to a bridge with a guard.  
It takes ten minutes to cross it,  
but the guard patrols every six  
minutes. How do you cross to the  
north side, without killing the  
guard?

_The woman in black closes her eyes for a moment._

DRACO VEZZINI  
Give up?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
No (pauses) You walk across the  
bridge, and when it gets to six  
minutes, you turn around.

DRACO VEZZINI  
How will that help?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
The guard will think you are trying  
to cross it north to south, and  
force you to go back north.

DRACO VEZZINI  
Damn it!

**MONTAGE SCENE**

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
The battle of wits went on for a  
while, with neither side gaining an  
advantage.

_A number of shots of Draco and the woman in black asking  
each other questions._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
But, as with all things, the end  
did eventually come.

**EXT LARGE HILL, FLORIN**

WOMAN IN BLACK  
It's the fourth person, because the  
first three are not real (pauses)  
What have I got in my pocket?

DRACO VEZZINI  
You're kidding, right?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(grinning)  
Obviously (gestures to the clothes  
she's wearing) I don't have any  
pockets.

DRACO VEZZINI  
Just get on with it.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
This is a yes/no question?

_Draco stares at her for a moment, his brow getting ever more  
furrowed as he thinks about it._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Give up?

DRACO VEZZINI  
(holds his hand up)  
Give me a second....

_The woman in black mimes glancing at her watch._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Do you have an answer? You know the  
rules, Vezzini.

DRACO VEZZINI  
(reaching in to his robes and  
pulling out his wand)  
Screw the rules! BOMBARDIA!

_A bright blue light shoots out of Draco's wand._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(whipping up her hands)  
PROTEGO REFLEXUS!

_A bright white shield pops up in front of the woman in  
black, and the blue light hits it, bounces off, and shoots  
back towards Draco._

DRACO VEZZINI  
(resigned tone)  
Bollocks.

_The spell hits him, and he flies off the hill horizontally._

**EXT A ROCKY FIELD, FLORIN**

_Ginny and Ron both look up in surprise as Draco shoots over  
their head._

**EXT RIDING PATH, FLORIN**

_Hermione ducks as Draco flies over her head._

**EXT A BOAT, FLORIN CHANNEL**

_Filius, sitting in the boat, watches in surprise as Draco  
flies over him, then splashes down in the water._

FILIUS FEZZIK  
Well - there's something you don't  
see every day.

_Draco starts swimming towards the boat._

FILIUS FEZZIK  
I feel like I am forgetting  
something....

_As he watches, the giant squid catches hold of Draco._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
(speaking very quickly)  
And Draco and the squid went off to  
live on a farm, where they played  
with all the other squid day after  
day and lived happily every after.

_The two children stare at her with identical looks of mild  
scorn._

LEO POTTER  
Mother - we're eight.

ELOISE POTTER  
We're not stupid.

**EXT A BOAT, FLORIN CHANNEL**

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Filius watched, helpless, as the  
squid ripped and tore and...

LEO POTTER  
(voice over, interrupting)  
So - a farm?

ELOISE POTTER  
(voice over)  
With all the other squid?

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over, smiling)  
And they lived happily ever after.

**EXT LARGE HILL, FLORIN**

_The woman in black lowers her shield, then moves to untie  
Harry. A moment later, she removes his blindfold. He blinks  
a few times, then glares up at her._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
In polite circles, the person who  
is untied generally thanks the  
person who untied him.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
In polite circles, innocent young  
men aren't fought over like scraps  
of meat.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
(rolls her eyes)  
Innocent? Please!

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
What would a killer like you know  
of innocence?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
I know that someone who was  
completely innocent, they would at  
least wait for the body to be cold  
before jumping in to the next warm  
bed.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Pardon me?

WOMAN IN BLACK  
The princess? The red-headed witch  
who's been following us since we  
left the Kedavra Cliffs. Your new  
beloved.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Shut up.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Oh what? You can't stand a little  
truth?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
And what would a pirate like you  
know of truth? (The woman in black  
raises her eyebrows) Yes - I know  
who you are.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Do tell.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
The Dread Pirate Roberts. No one  
else would be so cruel or so  
heartless.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
You think I am heartless? I saved  
you from your kidnappers, didn't I?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
So you can take me yourself  
(snarls) Just like you took  
everything else.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
And what else have I taken? Your  
favourite pillow? The toy you had  
as a child?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
The love of my life (the woman in  
black snorts in derision) You  
attacked her ship, and everyone  
knows you don't leave survivors.

WOMAN IN BLACK  
What kind of reputation would I  
have if I left some alive? "The  
Dread Pirate Roberts - she  
sometimes kills people" (She shakes  
her head) It wouldn't do.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
You mock my pain!

WOMAN IN BLACK  
Life IS Pain, Highness! Anyone who  
says different is a TV Evangelist.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
I died that day!

WOMAN IN BLACK  
And yet you still live! You live  
well enough to be Prince of Florin!

_Harry stares at her for a moment, then takes a step forward._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
I died that day (pauses) and you  
can die too!

_He thrusts his hands forward, sending the woman in black  
falling down the cliff._

WOMAN IN BLACK  
BY YOUR COMMAND!

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Moon?

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

ELOISE POTTER  
Moon?

LEO POTTER  
Moon?

**EXT LARGE HILL, FLORIN**

_Harry stares down the side of the hill, watching the woman  
in black rolling over and over._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Aw bollocks.

**EXT LARGE HILL, FLORIN**

_The woman in black comes to a halt, lying on the ground at  
the bottom of the hill._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
You know - I love him to bits, but  
sometimes I just want to slap him.

_She looks up, then rolls her eyes as she sees Harry skidding  
and rolling down the hill side as well._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Then again....

_Harry skids to a halt beside her, then rolls over and looks  
at her._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
It's you.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
It's me.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
But you were dead.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Told you those horecruxes would  
come in handy one day.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
How....

MOON LOVEGOOD  
I can explain later. But I've been  
on my own for five years, and I  
think there's something better we  
can do with our tongues than talk.

_Harry stares in to her eyes, then wiggles forward. His hands  
reach up to her face, and he leans in and kisses her. She  
runs her hands up and down his back, while he sildes his  
down to her top, and starts unbuttoning it._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over, very sudden)  
You know what?

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
I think it's time for coco. Who  
wants hot chocolate?

_She jumps to her feet, then puts the book down on her chair.  
Again she looks at the children, but is also looking  
straight in to the camera._

LUNA POTTER  
I'll be back in about five minutes.  
Until then - talk amongst  
yourselves.

**END OF ACT 1**


	2. Act 2

**ACT 2**

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

_Luna walks back in to the room, holding a tray with three  
cups of hot chocolate. She gives one to each of the kids,  
then picks up the book and sits down._

LUNA POTTER  
So where was I?

LEO POTTER  
Harry and Moon had just reunited,  
and were....

LUNA POTTER  
(holds her hand up)  
I remember!

_Leo smirks._

LUNA POTTER  
Moon and Harry raced along the  
canyon floor.....

**EXT CANYON FLOOR, FLORIN**

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
....all the while being watched  
from above.

**EXT LARGE HILL, FLORIN**

_Ginny and Ron watch the two figures sprint along the rocky  
path._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
We have them now!

RONALD RUGEN  
(glancing down the side of the  
hill)  
Really? Cause it's a long way down.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
That path leads to The Forbidden  
Forest - they have no where else to  
go.

RONALD RUGEN  
Oh (nods) Okay.

**EXT CANYON FLOOR, FLORIN**

_Moon takes Harry's hand and pulls him up along._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Ginny is closing in - she is the  
best tracker in the kingdom.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Doesn't matter - we'll soon be safe  
in The Forest.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(frowning)  
The Forbidden Forest?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Yes.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
The place where all the evil in the  
world dwells?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Yuh-huh.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
The most foul, evil, dank and dark  
hole in all of wizardom?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
That's the place.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(pauses, then shrugs)  
Okay.

**EXT LARGE HILL, FLORIN**

_Ginny and Ron continue to watch as the two figures vanish in  
to the edge of the forest. Ron turns to face Ginny._

RONALD RUGEN  
So - what now?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
We go round, and meet them at the  
other side.

RONALD RUGEN  
And if they don't make it out?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(shrugs)  
I find someone else who I can use  
to start a war.

_They both turn and ride away at top speed._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

ELOISE POTTER  
What does she mean 'someone else I  
can use to start a war'?

LUNA POTTER  
Do you want to know now, or should  
I keep reading?

_Eloise and Leo exchange looks._

LEO POTTER  
Keep reading.

LUNA POTTER  
(smiling)  
By your command.

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

_Moon and Harry walk through The Forest together, hand in  
hand._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(looking around)  
It's not bad.

_Harry stares at her as if she is crazy._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(seeing the look)  
I'm not saying we should set up  
house here, but as foul, evil, dark  
and dank places go, it could be  
worse.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
If you say so.

_They walk a little further, then Harry turns to look at Moon  
again._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
You're not dead.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(smirks)  
You've only just noticed this?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
You were attacked by Roberts - she  
never leaves survivors.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Ah - that.

**EXT THE SEA OF TRANQUILLITY**

_A ship named "The Glowing Nimbus" speeds across the water.  
On board, we can see Moon swabbing the deck._

_She pauses, looks up and sees a ship bearing down on them.  
It is bright white, but flying a black flag with crossed  
wands and a giant skull on it._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Aw crap.

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

MOON LOVEGOOD  
The ship was taken without a fight,  
and everyone aboard killed (she  
pauses) Except me.

**EXT THE SEA OF TRANQUILLITY**

_Moon is stood on board the pirate ship, named The Dark  
Phoenix, facing a woman dressed in black robes._

DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS  
(deep voice)  
Come with me.

_Roberts turns and leads Moon in to a cabin, closing the door  
behind her._

DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS  
(same deep voice)  
Wait here.

_Roberts vanishes in to a side room. A few moments later, she  
returns, dressed head to toe in pink._

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
(light, fluffy voice)  
Please sit down.

_Moon stares at her in disbelief, then slowly sits down._

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
My name is Dolores, and for the  
past twenty years, I have been  
acting as The Dread Pirate Roberts.

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

MOON LOVEGOOD  
It seems that The Dread Pirate  
Roberts is more of a brand than a  
person.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Like King of Florin?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(nods)  
Except with more sailing, pillaging  
and general mayhem and slaughter,  
yes.

**EXT THE SEA OF TRANQUILLITY**

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
I have a proposition for you.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(smirking)  
I don't know what you've heard, but  
I'm not that sort of girl (pauses)  
At least, not in this story.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
(smiles)  
A woman with a sense of humour, and  
more than a little bravery. I think  
you'll do.

_She stands up and starts pacing back and forth._

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
I've been doing this twenty years,  
and I've had enough. I am tired of  
the death, the carnage, the endless  
sea-shanties.... (she looks over at  
the room she changed in) Plus I  
look horrible in black.

_Moon nods._

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
So I'm going to retire, and I want  
you to be the next Dread Pirate  
Roberts.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(looking surprised)  
Me? Why me?

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
As I said, you're brave, which is  
important, you have a sense of  
humour, which will serve you well,  
and you're the first woman I have  
encountered on a ship in the last  
five years, which makes you the  
perfect candidate.

_Moon rolls her eyes._

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
So - what do you say? Want to go  
down in history?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
What if I say yes?

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
I train you up, then we replace the  
whole crew, and you become Roberts.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
What happens to you?

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
I leave the ship, and go out and do  
something else (pauses) I was  
thinking of going in to teaching. I  
think I'd be pretty good at that.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(hesitantly)  
And what happens if I say no?

DOLORES UMBRIDGE  
(shrugs)  
I kill you, dump your body over the  
side and go on my merry way singing  
Hi-de-diddle-i-ro (pauses, then  
leans forwards) So - what's it to  
be?

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

_Harry is staring at Moon._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
She took six months to train me,  
then swapped over the crew, and I  
became Roberts (she pauses) You see  
\- it's the name that matters.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Because no one would surrender to  
the Dread Pirate Dolores?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(nodding)  
Or the Dread Pirate Moon (she  
smiles) But not that I have found  
you, I will retire and hand the  
title over to someone else (tilts  
her head to one side) What's wrong,  
love of my love?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Why didn't you come back for me?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Pardon me?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
That was five years ago. You've  
left me alone all this time? Why  
didn't you come for me?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
I thought you'd be happier without  
me (pauses) From this day forth, I  
will always come for you.

_Harry wiggles his eyebrows up and down, causing Moon to  
smack him on the arm._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
You know what I mean!

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

ELOISE POTTER  
What does she mean, mum?

LEO POTTER  
And what does 'love of my love'  
mean anyway? It doesn't even make  
sense!

LUNA POTTER  
Do you want me to pull this book  
over right now, or can I continue?

_Both children mime zipping their mouths shut._

LUNA POTTER  
Thank you.

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

_Moon and Harry walk along through The Forest._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Once we reach the other side of The  
Forest, we can go to my ship. From  
there....

_As she is speaking, a Harry vanishes in to a hole in the  
ground. Moon throws herself to the ground and grabs his  
hand, just before he is impaled upon two dozen spikes._

_She slowly pulls him up, and they both fall down on to the  
ground next to the pit._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Well - that was an adventure,  
wasn't it?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
An adventure? I was almost killed!

MOON LOVEGOOD  
But now we know where the centaur  
pits are. Which will make life  
easier.

_They both get to their feet, and walk off through the forest  
again._

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

_Moon and Harry continue to walk through The Forest._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
How did you end up with Princess  
Prissy-Pants anyway?

_There is a soft ringing noise._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
It is the prerogative of the heir  
to the throne to chose her husband.  
She chose me three years after you  
died.... after you left, and I  
could only refuse if I were already  
engaged or wed.

_Another soft ringing noise fills the area._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
And were you happy?

_A third soft ringing noise fills the area._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Honestly? (he pauses, then shakes  
his head) I was lonely. I got the  
idea that....

_Before he can finished, eighteen green plant tentacles from  
the shadows, grab Harry and pull him back in to the  
darkness._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(sighing)  
Oh for the love of....

_She draws her wand, then charges off in to the shadows._

_For the next few minutes, the sounds of yelling, screaming,  
spell casting and general fighting come from the shadows.  
While this is going on, a dog-sized spider wanders past._

_Once the spider is out of sight, Harry comes flying out of  
the shadows, followed by Moon._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Oh god. We're never going to make  
it!

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Nonsense! What are the three  
dangers of The Forbidden Forest?

_She gestures back the way they came._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
We know where the centaur hunting  
pits are.

_She points to the shadows._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
We know that three soft bell sounds  
precede a Tentacula attack.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
And what about the AOUSes?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Wouldn't that be AOUS? Since the A  
stands for Arachnids? (pauses)  
Unless they come in different  
sizes, which I guess would make it  
AOUSes? (pauses again) But then  
what if they were....

_As she continues talking, a spider drops out of the tree  
above and lands on her head._

LEO POTTER  
(voice over)  
GAH!

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

_Luna puts the book down and looks at her son, who is  
wriggling around._

LUNA POTTER  
What's the matter?

LEO POTTER  
Eloise threw a spider at me!

_Eloise giggles._

ELOISE POTTER  
(grinning)  
It was just a plastic one!

LUNA POTTER  
Please refrain from pelting your  
brother with plastic arachnids.

ELOISE POTTER  
(sighs)  
Yes, mother.

LUNA POTTER  
(picks up the book)  
Now - if we can get back to me....  
to Moon fighting for her life.

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

_Moon flings the spider across the clearing, then pulls out  
her wand._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Watch....

_Before he can finish, the spider leaps back across the  
clearing, sending Moon crashing to the ground beneath it._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
.....out.

_Moon flips over, trying to pin the spider beneath her, but  
it scuttles away, then throws itself backwards, landing on  
her back._

_Harry runs forward, swinging a tree branch like a club.  
However he completely misses the spider, and whacks Moon on  
the head._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Sorry sweetie.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(shaking her head slightly)  
No worries.

_There is a soft ringing sound off to the right._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
I'm just toying with this stupid  
insect.

_There is another soft ringing sound._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
And on the count of three....

_Just as there is a third ringing sound, she rolls over, out  
from under the spider, then grabs it by two of its legs and  
hurls it towards the plant tentacles that are now reaching  
out._

_The spider is caught, and dragged away. Moon watches it go,  
then turns to face Harry._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
This is turning in to quite an  
adventure (looks round) I wonder if  
we'll see any snorkacks.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(staring at her)  
You're crazy! Completely insane!

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(bemused)  
And?

_Harry stares at her for a moment, then runs over and sweeps  
her in to his arms._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
And I wouldn't have you any other  
way!

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

_Leo makes a gagging noise, while Eloise sighs._

LUNA POTTER  
Okay, okay - I get the idea  
(glances at her son) You know, some  
day you may not mind it so much.

LEO POTTER  
Girls are icky.

ELOISE POTTER  
Well - boys are stupid and you  
should throw rocks at them.

LUNA POTTER  
Once a king, always a king, but  
once a night.... (pauses, then  
shakes her head) Never mind.

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

_Moon and Harry sprint to the edge of the forest, and come  
out in to the sunlight._

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

_Ginny, Ronald and a dozen soldiers on horseback are waiting  
for them._

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

_Moon and Harry skid to a halt, and Moon draws her wand,  
pushing Harry behind her._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
SURRENDER!

MOON LOVEGOOD  
I accept.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
What?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
You offered to surrender, I  
accepted (smiles) You will let us  
go, and promise never to follow us,  
attack us or otherwise hassle us  
again.

_Ron and Ginny stare down at Moon in utter confusion._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
She's as mental as your ex-wife.

RONALD RUGEN  
(snappishly)  
Ex-fiance. I never married her.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Only because you left her at the  
alter.

_Moon raises her eyebrows at this._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(turning back to face Moon and  
Harry)  
I meant you will surrender to me.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Why?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
What?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
What?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
What do you mean why?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
I mean what is the reason I should  
do this thing (frowns) For a  
princess, your language of  
knowledge is pretty crappy.

_Harry laughs._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
You will surrender to me, or I will  
kill you.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Ah - but we know the secrets of The  
Forbidden Forest. We can escape  
through there, and you'll never  
catch us.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
If you run, I will catch you. I  
will hunt you, find you and kill  
you (she glances at Harry) And if  
you choose her over me, I will be  
forced to punish you. You will  
spend every day of your life  
looking over your shoulder until  
you are caught and damn well hung.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
I'd say he's pretty well hu...

_She is interrupted as Harry claps his hand over her mouth,  
only to withdraw it a second later and wipe it on her shirt._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
You licked my hand!

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Serves you right for putting it  
there!

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
But you licked my hand!

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
HEM HEM!

_They both turn to stare at her._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
I believe I was threatening you!

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(fake apologetic)  
And you were doing it so well.  
Please continue.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Do you surrender?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
It will not happen!

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(drawing her sword, while the  
soldiers raise their bows)  
SURRENDER!

MOON LOVEGOOD  
DEATH FIRST!

RONALD RUGEN  
(frowning)  
Was that Death First, or Defa  
Eh'rust?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Do I sound like someone who would  
yield to your authority?

RONALD RUGEN  
(tilts his head to one side,  
then shakes his head)  
Good point (turns to the soldiers)  
Kill them!

_The soldiers all raise and draw their bows._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Do you promise to let her live?

_Everyone turns to stare at Harry in surprise._

RONALD RUGEN  
What?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
What?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
What?

**EXT RIDING PATH, FLORIN**

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
What?

**EXT KEDAVRA CLIFFS, FLORIN**

FILIUS FEZZIK  
What?

**INT GIANT SQUID'S STOMACH**

DRACO VEZZINI  
What?

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LEO POTTER  
What?

ELOISE POTTER  
What?

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

_Everyone is still staring at Harry in surprise._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Do you promise not to kill her?

_Moon turns to face him, frowning._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
What are you doing?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(taking her face in his hands)  
I lost you once, and it almost  
killed me. If I were to lose you  
again.... (he turns to face Ginny)  
If you let her leave, unharmed, I  
will come back with you.

_Ginny stares down at the pair, then sheaths her sword. The  
rest follow suit, lowering their weapons._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(looking up at Ron)  
When I'm gone, you will escort her  
to her ship, unharmed.

RONALD RUGEN  
As you wish.

_Harry turns and faces Moon, not noticing Ginny lean over to  
talk to Ron._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(whispering)  
Once we are out of sight, take him  
to The Chamber and kill him.

RONALD RUGEN  
(whispering with a smile)  
As you wish.

_Harry kisses Moon goodbye._

LEO POTTER  
(voice over)  
BLECH!

_Then a soldier pulls him up on to a horse, and rides away._

_Ron watches until they are out of sight, then turns back to  
Moon._

RONALD RUGEN  
We must get you to your ship, my  
lady.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Lies ill become you, Ronald.

RONALD RUGEN  
You know - you sound like my  
ex-fiance. Whiny woman - always had  
to have it her way (pauses, then  
grins) Until I stood her up fifteen  
years ago.

_Moon raises her eyebrows in amusement._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
I know someone who's been looking  
for you, Ronnie boy. Someone who  
isn't happy...

_Ron smacks her on the head with a club, and she falls down  
on the floor, unconscious._

**INT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS**

_The camera is currently on Moon's POV. She blinks a few  
times, and when she opens her eyes, we see a pale, white  
face, with dark, greasy hair, hanging over her._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(surprised)  
GAH!

_We flip back to the normal POV, and the pasty white figure  
straightens up._

SEVERUS  
You're awake (nods) Good - that  
will make things easier.

_He holds up a glass phial._

SEVERUS  
Drink this.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Why?

SEVERUS  
Because my masters want me to get  
you back in good health, and they  
are not known for their patience.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
What if I don't?

_Severus reaches down and pinches her nose. She struggles for  
a moment, then her mouth opens, and he pours the contents of  
the phial down her throat._

_She gags for a second or so, and he lets go of her nose._

SEVERUS  
Next time it would do you well to  
remember where you are. You are not  
on your ship now, Roberts, and your  
celebrity will not benefit you  
here.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(rolls her eyes)  
If you dislike me so much, why are  
you trying to help me?

SEVERUS  
My masters want you fit and well  
before they begin their....  
experiments.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
So - it's to be torture?

_Snape's face remains impassive._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
I can handle that.

_Snape's face stays equally impassive._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
I can't handle that?

_Snape's mouth turns in to a slight smile._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry walks down a passageway, past an open door._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Ron and Ginny watch Harry walk past._

RONALD RUGEN  
Your future husband does not look  
happy to be back.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
It is my father's health, you know.

RONALD RUGEN  
(nodding sagely)  
That would explain it (he glances  
down at his watch) If you will  
excuse me, I have to go and start  
my experiments.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Of course (sighs) I wish I could  
help you, but I have so much to do.

RONALD RUGEN  
I know (reaches out and strokes her  
hair) You really should take a  
holiday, my Lady - you are looking  
a little pale.

**INT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS**

_Ron walks down a set of steps and over to where Moon is  
lying on a table._

RONALD RUGEN  
Good morning.

_Moon stares up at him._

RONALD RUGEN  
In decent circles, it is polite to  
reply to a greeting.

_Moon stares up at him, then sticks her tongue out at him._

RONALD RUGEN  
I suppose that could be considered  
some type of greeting (he shrugs)  
You are here because I have an  
overriding interest in what makes a  
person who they are. Are they a sum  
of their memories, or are they more  
than that?

_He walks over to a huge machine, draped in a ragged black  
covering._

RONALD RUGEN  
This machine - this glorious piece  
of technomancy - is the culmination  
of five years work. It will strip  
your memories, one by one, at my  
command, until you are left with  
only those that I want you to have.

_He walks back to the table and leans in, until he is nose to  
nose with Moon._

RONALD RUGEN  
And then, my impolite friend, we  
will see what you are made of.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry wanders down a different passageway (that looks  
exactly the same as the other passageway), staring in to  
space._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
As the days went by, Harry realised  
he would never love The Princess as  
he loved Moon, and that it was all  
a lie.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(speaking to himself)  
I will never love Ginny as much as  
I love Moon. This is a lie.

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
He made up his mind to go to The  
Princess that night, and ask to be  
released from the engagement.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(speaking to himself)  
I will go to her tonight, and ask  
to be released from the engagement.

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Then he would find his love, and  
marry her.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(turning to stare at the  
camera)  
Do you mind? You are taking all my  
best lines!

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
(looking apologetic)  
Sorry. Please continue.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(still staring at the camera)  
Thank you (pauses) Since you all  
know I'm going to go out and find  
my love, I might as well go and do  
it.

_He strides off down the passageway._

**INT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS**

_Ron is standing by the machine._

RONALD RUGEN  
Now - this is for science, so  
please do try to tell me everything  
you're feeling.

_He pulls out a hose from the machine, and straps it to  
Moon's head. He flips a few switches, then turns to Moon._

RONALD RUGEN  
So where do we start (looks at a  
display) Ah... yes.

_He flicks another switch, and there is a flash of light._

**EXT SETTING SUN FARM, FLORIN**

_Moon walks up the path towards the farm house. She is  
holding a small bag in her hand._

_She knocks on the door, and it is opened by Harry._

RONALD RUGEN  
(voice over)  
And now.... it's gone.

_The scene flashes away, leaving Moon stood in darkness. A  
second later, she sees Harry and Ginny kissing passionately,  
both lying on a bed._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Nooooooooo.

**INT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS**

_Moon, lying on the table, starts to cry._

RONALD RUGEN  
(watching her reaction)  
Interesting...

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry strides down the passageway, but comes to a halt when  
he finds Ginny talking to her mother. They both look sad._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
What's wrong?

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
The king died that very night, and  
before the day was out, Harry and  
Ginny were wed.

**EXT CASTLE SQUARE, FLORIN**

_A crowd is gathered as Harry and Ginny walk on to the  
battlements._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Behold! I present to you The Prince  
Buttercup!

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LEO POTTER  
Wait... what?

ELOISE POTTER  
Harry can't marry Ginny - he has to  
marry Moon!

LUNA POTTER  
(putting the book down on her  
knee)  
Do you want me to stop reading? You  
seem to be getting upset.

LEO POTTER  
No - we'll be quiet.

ELOISE POTTER  
Don't stop reading.

LUNA POTTER  
(lookin at them)  
Are you sure? (they both nod) Okay.

_She picks up the book up, and continues reading._

**EXT CASTLE SQUARE, FLORIN**

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Behold! I present to you The Prince  
Buttercup!

_Harry walks foward, and the crowd start to cheer and  
applaud. He smiles, then turns and takes Ginny's hand in  
his._

_A second later, we shoot backwards away from the scene,  
until it fades to a dot, then we pull out further to find we  
are seeing Moon's eye. The camera pulls back until we see  
Moon lying on the same table as before._

RONALD RUGEN  
So that's your worst nightmare?  
(making a note on the pad) Somehow  
I doubt that.

LEO POTTER  
(voice over)  
Told you he wouldn't marry her.

ELOISE POTTER  
(voice over)  
Phew!

_Ron walks over to the machine._

RONALD RUGEN  
The second lowest level (pauses) I  
wonder what would happen if we take  
it up a notch?

_He flicks another switch, and the camera flies back in  
towards Moon's eye, and then in to the darkness inside it. A  
moment later, she starts screaming._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry walks in to Ginny's study, and stands in front of her_

__

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
It comes to this. I know now that I  
will never love you. I love Moon,  
and if you force me to marry you,  
know that I will return to my  
chambers, and kill myself before  
nightfall.

_Ginny stares at him for a few moments, then nods._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Very well - never let it be said  
that I stood in the way of true  
love.

_She turns to her aide._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Return with The Prince to his  
chambers, and wait for him to write  
a letter (turns to Harry) This  
letter will be sent out with my  
four fastest ships, and when your  
beloved receives it, she will  
decide whether she still wants you.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
My Moon will always come for me.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(under her breath)  
Lucky her (looks up) But what if  
she should choose not to? You did  
abandon her, and hell hath no fury.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Actually it's "nor hell a fury"

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Sorry?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Heaven hath no rage like love to  
hatred turned, nor hell a fury like  
a woman scorned.

_Ginny merely stares at him with a look of bafflement_

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Anyway - she will always come for me.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
So you say (pauses) But if she does  
not, will you consider me as a  
better choice than suicide?

**EXT GRIMMAULD WOOD, FLORIN**

_It is a pretty typical wood, with houses dotted here and  
there, and a number of encampments spread about._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
It was the day of the wedding.  
Ginny, worried about a sneak attack  
from Guilder, ordered the clearing  
of The Grimmauld Wood.

_A number of soldiers sweep across the wood, rousting people  
out of the camps and so forth._

**EXT GRIMMAULD WOOD, FLORIN**

_Three guards walk up to a house to find Filius sat on the  
front step, a bottle in his hand._

GUARD #1  
By order of The Princess, you are  
to vacate this house.

_Filius stares up and laughs._

FILIUS FEZZIK  
This is how much I care what your  
precious Princess wants.

_He burps loudly in their faces._

GUARD #2  
Take him!

_As the three guards surge forward, they here a voice behind  
them._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
You don't want to do that.

_The guards turn to look at her, and see her stood with her  
wand trained on them._

GUARD #3  
Why not? Three of us. One of you.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(holds her hand up)  
It's not me I'm worried about (she  
pauses) It's him.

_They turn and look at Filius, who has transformed in to  
Rubeus._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(politely)  
Hello.

_The guards turn and run away, as fast as they can go.  
Hermione watches them, then turns back to face Rubeus._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Hello, old friend. I never thought  
I'd see you again.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
I thought you were dead. Killed by  
the woman in black.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
I thought the same about you.

_There is a pause._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
So - what now?

_Hermione shrugs._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Wanna go to The Happy Hippogryff  
and have a drink?

_Rubeus stares at the bottle, then throws it over his  
shoulder, co-incidentally knocking out another guard who was  
creeping up behind them._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Lets go then.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry sits in his room, staring at the floor. After a  
moment, he looks up as there is a knock on the door._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Come in.

_Ginny enters, smiling._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Isn't it bad luck to see your groom  
the day of the wedding?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(smiling)  
What do I need with luck? In four  
hours we will be wed, in five we  
will be sailing down The Channel,  
flanked by the fastest ships in my  
fleet.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
All of them?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(confused)  
What?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
You said the fatest ships in your  
fleet. Didn't you send the four  
fastest to deliver a message to my  
beloved?

_Ginny pauses, then nods._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Of course not those four - just the  
rest of my fleet.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
You're lying (pauses, then shrugs)  
It matters not - my love will come  
for me.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(stares at him for a moment,  
then waves her hand)  
You are a silly little boy.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Perhaps I am, but she will come for  
me, and nothing you can do about it  
(he stands up and turns to face  
her) Now, if you don't mind, I'd  
like to get ready. I want to look  
my best when she arrives.

_Ginny glares at him, then turns and storms out of the room.  
Harry watches her go, then sits back down._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(insistent, to himself)  
She will come for me.

**INT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS**

_Ron is writing in a pad as Moon sobs to herself on the  
table._

_A second later, the door is flung open, and Ginny sweeps in,  
cape flowing behind her. She glances at Ron, then stalks  
over to where Moon is lying._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(speaking fiercely)  
He really loves you. So you could  
have been really happy. Not one  
person in a generation deserves  
that opportunity, so I think no  
person will suffer as greatly as  
you.

_She reaches over and flicks every switch up._

RONALD RUGEN  
(yelling in horror)  
NOOOOOOO!

**MONTAGE SCENE**

_A series of bad memories flash up on screen, including The  
Glowing Nimbus being attacked, Moon leaving Harry, Harry  
walking away at the edge of the forest, watching Harry being  
threatened by Draco and so forth._

**INT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS**

_Moon screams loudly and for a long time._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry looks up in surprise as the sound of screaming fills  
the air._

**EXT CASTLE SQUARE, FLORIN**

_Various villagers and so on look up at the same sound._

**INT SCHOOL HOUSE, FLORIN**

_Dolores Umbridge looks around, frowning, as her class is  
disturbed by the noise._

**INT THE HAPPY HIPPOGRIFF, FLORIN**

_Hermione and Rubeus look up in surprise._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
What in the world is that?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
That is the sound of ultimate  
suffering (she pauses) It is the  
sound my heart made when my fiance  
walked out on me (she pauses) The  
woman in black makes it now.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
The woman in black?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Her true love is to marry  
Humperdink. If it were me, it would  
certainly piss me off no end.

_She stands up and starts pacing back and forth._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
She let us live - she let us live  
when she could have killed us.

_She spins round to face Rubeus._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
We should help her. Stop the  
wedding. Save Harry.

_Rubeus opens his mouth, but Hermione continues talking._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
She is a good woman (pauses) For a  
killer and a pirate anyway (pauses)  
We have to save her, and reunite  
her with her lost love!

_She stops talking and turns to face Rubeus._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Well?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(smiling)  
You had me at hello.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(frowning)  
I don't think I said hello.

_They both turn and walk out of the pub together._

**EXT MAIN STREET, FLORIN**

_The street is decked out with bunting and banners, and  
people seem to be in a celebratory mood. Hermione and Filius  
are striding through the chaos._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Hermione and Filius hurried along  
the street, not paying attention to  
the celebrations. They were focused  
on one thing - finding the woman in  
black.

**EXT GRIMMAULD WOOD, FLORIN**

_Hermione and Filius walk in to the wood, then stop._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
This whole plan to find her...  
Doesn't it kind of hinge on knowing  
where she is?

FILIUS FEZZIK  
You're only just realising that?

_They look around for a moment._

FILIUS FEZZIK  
This would be a whole lot easier if  
we'd stayed with the dead father  
plot.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(sighs)  
Don't blame me (pauses) I mean - I  
like that I'm going to get to beat  
the crap out of Ron, but still...

_She looks around then stops and holds up her hand. Filius  
looks at her curiously, then they both duck behind a tree._

**EXT GRIMMAULD WOOD, FLORIN**

_Severus walks in to the wood, head buried in a parchment._

SEVERUS  
But if the mandrake combines with  
the basilisk blood, it would make  
a...

_He stops when he bumps in to someone and falls over on his  
bum. He looks up in to the face of Rubeus._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(waves)  
Hello!

SEVERUS  
Who are you?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
I'm the man you're going to take to  
torture chamber.

SEVERUS  
And why am I going to do that?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Because I asked nicely.

_He grins down at Severus, and it is a truly horrifying  
sight._

SEVERUS  
Very well (he gets to his feet) You  
go that....

_He turns and starts running, and crashes straight in to  
Hermione, who pushes him to the ground again._

SEVERUS  
Aw bollocks.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry is staring at a set of dress robes._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
She will always come for me.

**INT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS**

_Hermione is leaning over, listening to Moon's heartbeat._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(straightening up)  
Yeah - she's dead.

**End Of Act 2**


	3. Act 3

**Act 3**

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

_Leo and Eloise stare at their mother in surprise._

ELOISE POTTER  
Dead?

LEO POTTER  
She can't be dead!

ELOISE POTTER  
Who gets Humperdink?

LUNA POTTER  
(surprised)  
Pardon me?

ELOISE POTTER  
Who gets Ginny? In the end? Who  
kills her?

LUNA POTTER  
(smiling)  
No one.

LEO POTTER  
But....

LUNA POTTER  
(kindly tone)  
If you let me carry on, you will  
get answers to your questions.

_The two children stare at their mother for a moment, then  
both lie back in bed._

LUNA POTTER  
(smiling)  
Very well. As I was saying....

**INT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS**

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Hermione and Rubeus stared at the  
body of the woman in black for a  
few moments, until Rubeus shook his  
head.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
No.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
No?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
No - she can't come this far, and  
fail.

_He reaches over and hefts Moon's body on to his shoulder._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Do you have any money?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Some (curious) Why?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Because I have an idea.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry is still staring at his robes when there is a knock on  
the door._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(resigned tone)  
Enter.

_Molly Humperdink enters._

MOLLY HUMPERDINK  
Half an hour, dearie.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Yes, your majesty.

**EXT MIRACLE MACS, FLORIN**

_Hermione and Rubeus, who is still carrying Moon, walk up to  
the front of a shop bearing the name "MIRACLE MACS".  
Hermione walks forward and knocks on the door. A voice from  
inside yells "GO AWAY", but Hermione knocks again._

_The door is flung open, to reveal a man staring angrily at  
them._

GEORGE  
What the hell do you want?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Are you the healer who used to work  
for The King?

GEORGE  
(speaking angrily and quickly)  
Until Princess Prissy-Pants sacked  
my brother and me. Now we are  
reduced to selling waterproof coats  
and the odd spell here and there.  
And, by the way, thank you for  
bringing that up, because I wasn't  
feeling angry enough what with her  
wedding today.

_Hermione takes a step back._

GEORGE  
Now what the hell do you want?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
We want you to heal our friend.

GEORGE  
Why should I do that?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(mild, soft voice with no  
threat at all)  
Because we asked nicely.

_George looks past Hermione, then looks up and up._

GEORGE  
Okay then. How sick is your friend?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(turning to show him Moon)  
Dead.

GEORGE  
(pauses, then shrugs)  
Bring her in.

**INT MIRACLE MACS, FLORIN**

_The inside of the shop looks like a cross between a well  
stocked potions lab and a child's fun-house. As George leads  
Hermione and Rubeus in to the main room, there are two  
people talking. One is obviously the twin of Fred, and the  
other obviously isn't._

FRED  
....But you know he is deaf Lee  
(pauses as he sees Hermione) Hallo  
Sexy!

_Hermione merely stares at him._

FRED  
How may my brother and I be of  
assistance to you today?

GEORGE  
(grinning)  
They want us to bring someone back  
from the dead.

FRED  
(amused)  
Oh? Is that all?

_Rubeus lowers Moon's body on to an empty table. Fred looks  
at her for a moment, then turns and walks out of the office._

GEORGE  
(gesturing to the third man)  
This is our friend Lee. He helps us  
out when we are busy, or when we're  
testing some new experiments, or  
when we get a lot of deliveries at  
once.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Deliveries?

LEE  
(smiling)  
With Prissy-Pants extending her  
grasp over the local merchants, we  
are getting more things from  
outside the realm. Some of them are  
pretty rare as well.

GEORGE  
Like the pelt of a bear that was  
chained up in Seekrets, for  
example, is quite rare and highly  
useful.

LEE  
And over there is a cup that makes  
people angry if they drink from it.

GEORGE  
(nodding)  
We did have some famous pictures of  
Florin Castle (pauses) But some of  
them were ripped in half by an  
explosion when we were testing a  
new potion (sighs) We haven't been  
able to sell the damaged ones.

LEE  
(smiling)  
But the rest we were able to sell.  
They are hung up in the cabin of  
the prisoner office down at the  
castle.

_George turns to see Rubeus looking at some rocks in the  
corner. Just as Rubeus reaches out, George stops him._

GEORGE  
Don't touch those!

_Rubeus pulls his hand away quickly._

GEORGE  
(apologetically)  
Sorry - they are healing stones  
from The Sea of Tranquillity. We  
are going to use them to fill an  
order for Osbourne Furr, and he  
likes them to be unmolested.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(nodding apologetically)  
Sorry - didn't mean no harm. So -  
you're going to use those to fill  
Ozzy Furr's stone order?

LEE  
(smiling)  
Yup - that and another order - for  
The Fee....

FRED  
(coming back in and  
interrupting Lee)  
NIX!

_George and Lee turn to look at Fred._

FRED  
(mildly angry)  
What did I say about discussing  
business with strangers?

_Lee and George hang their heads, while Fred turns back to  
Hermione and Rubeus._

FRED  
I've had a look at your friend,  
and, as it turns out, she is dead.  
But don't worry - we can help you.

_Hermione and Rubeus exchange looks._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Really?

FRED  
Yes. Because although she is dead,  
she is not yet really most  
sincerely dead, and that's what  
matters (smiles) Which means we can  
save her, but it will cost a lot.

_Hermione hands over her money bag, and Fred looks in it._

FRED  
That's no where near enough.

_Hermione and Rubeus exchange worried glances._

GEORGE  
Only once did we work for so  
little, and that was for a very  
good cause.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
But she has a good reason.

FRED  
(looking Rubeus up and down)  
Probably died owing you money,  
right? Or you want her to tell you  
where the secret stash is buried.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
She is looking for her true love -  
she has come from across the sea to  
rescue him from a fate worse than  
death.

_Fred and George stare at him._

FRED  
Pull the other one!

GEORGE  
We could ask her.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
How? She's dead!

GEORGE  
No - you don't say.

_Hermione blushes._

GEORGE  
But it just so happens we know a  
way to talk to her. So - we can  
find out if what you say is true.

_They walk over to a bench, then bring back a small, clear  
phial of liquid._

GEORGE  
Open her mouth.

_Hermione prises Moon's mouth open, and Fred tips the liquid  
in._

_For a few seconds nothing happens, then Moon exhales._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Mon amour.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(pointing dramatically)  
There - you heard her. She said  
"Mon Amour" - her love. What more  
could you ask for?

FRED  
It's true. If she had said Mon  
Amour, it would be everything you  
said.

_As he is speaking, a fine, golden mist escapes Moon's lips,  
and floats up in to the air._

FRED  
But she actually said was "Mo, no  
more", which clearly means she owes  
you money, and doesn't want to pay  
it.

_The mist forms itself in to letters, spelling out Mon Amour,  
behind Fred's head._

FRED  
So clearly - we don't have to help  
you.

GEORGE  
(in a resigned tone)  
Fred.

FRED  
So get your dead girl

GEORGE  
(slightly louder)  
Fred!

FRED  
And GET OUT!

GEORGE  
(yelling)  
FRED!

FRED  
(turning to face his brother)  
WHAT?

_George points over Fred's shoulder, and Fred turns to see  
the words floating in mid air._

FRED  
(sighing)  
Well - crap.

_He turns back to Hermione._

FRED  
Give me five minutes, and she'll be  
ready to go.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Ginny is clothed in dress robes, giving instructions to a  
man dressed in armour._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
I want thirty guards on the gate,  
and sharp shooters on the  
battlements.

PERCY YELLIN  
Yes, my Lady.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
I don't want anything to interrupt  
the ceremony.

PERCY YELLIN  
Yes, my Lady.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
I want to make sure that I am  
married to Harry before I slit his  
throat and blame is on soldiers of  
Guilder.

PERCY YELLIN  
Yes, my Lady.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Very well - see to it.

PERCY YELLIN  
Yes, my Lady.

_He turns and walks out of her office._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
I thought that having him found  
dead on the border would be the  
best way to start a war. But how  
much better will it be when he is  
found dead on our wedding night!

_She sighs in pleasure, then looks at her watch._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Show time.

**EXT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN.**

_Hermione and Rubeus (still carrying Moon's body over his  
shoulder) creep up behind a rock._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
How long is it?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(glancing down and smirking)  
Isn't that a bit of a personal  
question?

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
(to herself)  
Whoever thought this should be a  
kids' book needs their head  
testing!

**EXT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN.**

_Hermione slaps Rubeus on the arm._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
It's been about ten minutes.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
So it should be ready!

_She reaches in to her robes and pulls out a potion phial._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Hold her mouth open.

_Rubeus prises Moon's mouth open, and Hermione pours the  
glowing gold down it._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
How long do you think it will take  
to work?

_Moon's eyes flash open._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(snarling)  
The next person to put something in  
my mouth without asking will get it  
ripped off and shoved up their....

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(interrupting her)  
I'll be sure to warn Harry about  
that, but in the meantime, welcome  
back.

_Moon stares at her for a moment._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(slurring slightly)  
I know you.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
I tried to kill you.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(looking bemused)  
Oh. Yeah.

_Her head falls back, and she passes out._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(sounding optimistic)  
That went well.

_Hermione merely raises her eyebrows in amusement._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
I mean - given she was dead an hour  
ago.

_Moon's eyes open again._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(still slurring)  
What's happening?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Let me explain (pauses) No - that  
would take too long. Let me sum up  
(pauses) No - that would not be  
accurate enough.

_Moon tilts her head over to look at Rubeus._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
What's happening?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Harry's going to marry Ginny. We're  
going to help you stop it.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(smiling in a goofy way)  
That's sweet of you.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Our problem is there are vast acres  
of guards between us and them, and  
all we have is my skill, his  
strength and your brains (she looks  
Moon up and down) which, you have  
to admit, might not be firing on  
all cylinders.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(grins)  
That much is certain (she pauses)  
We don't have anything else?

_Hermione holds her hands out to show they are empty._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
If only we had a Dementor Cloak.  
That would be something!

_Rubeus frowns, then rummages around in his robes. A second  
later, he pulls out a huge, black cloak that seems to ripple  
in the twilight._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Would this do?

_Moon and Hermione stare at it, then both raise their eyes to  
stare at Rubeus._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(surprised)  
Where did you get that?

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
Stole it from those twins (pauses,  
then frowns) I shouldn't have said  
that, should I?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Don't worry - we won't tell.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(grins)  
That's good - cause I also kind of  
stole this as well

_He hands her a small, black ball. She reads it, and smiles._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Rubeus, I think this could be the  
beginning of a beautiful  
friendship.

_Rubeus smiles back at her._

_Moon stares at the cloak. After a minute, Hermione taps her  
on the shoulder and Moon's head lolls back._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Oh yeah - this is going really  
well.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Harry walked to his wedding,  
escorted by an honour guard of ten  
soldiers.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(sotto)  
I'd hardly call them an honour  
guard. They have orders to tie me  
up and drag me there if I try to  
run.

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Harry was lead down the passageway  
like a man walking the last mile to  
his execution.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(sotto)  
Better.

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
The wedding ceremony would begin in  
quarter of an hour, and even now,  
Ginny was waiting for her husband.

**INT CHAPEL, FLORIN CASTLE**

_The chapel is full of people in dress robes. Ginny is stood  
in front of the altar, Ron stood at her side. Albus  
Dumbledore is stood in front of her, smiling benevolently._

_In addition, the walls are lined with soldiers._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_The soldiers are still leading Harry down the passageway._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Little did Harry know that the key  
to his salvation was coming like  
the glory on the morning of the  
wave.

**EXT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN.**

_Moon is lying on the floor, unconscious. Hermione and Rubeus  
are staring at her, looks of worry on their faces._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Even if it didn't seem apparent  
exactly from where it would come.

**EXT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN.**

_Hermione pulls out her wand, and conjures a bucket. She then  
fills it with water and levitates it above Moon's head._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
If you tip that, it will not go  
well for you.

_Hermione jerks her wand up in surprise, sending the water  
cascading over Rubeus._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Erm - ooops?

_Rubeus starts wiping himself down, while Hermione look back  
at Moon._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Are you feeling better?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Given I was dead? (smiles) I'd say  
yes. Now - where were we?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
The ceremony is about to start. The  
guards are still there and we still  
have no idea how to get past them  
(sighs, then continues in a  
resigned tone) I think we're  
screwed.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
You should think positively!

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(brightly)  
I'm positive we're screwed.

_Moon laughs._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
But, if I understand you properly,  
we are in dire straits, the world  
is against us, and time is running  
out?

_Rubeus and Hermione both nod._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(grinning)  
Then thank Merlin I'm here!

**INT CHAPEL, FLORIN CASTLE**

_The sound of the marriage procession starts, and Harry walks  
down the aisle towards where Ginny is stood. She is radiant  
and smiling, while Harry is merely staring ahead, no emotion  
on his face._

_As he reaches the altar, Ginny hold her hand out. He turns  
to face her._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
She will come for me.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(grinning)  
She will never get in

_Harry shakes his head._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(matter-of-factly)  
She will come for me.

_Ginny stares at him for a moment, then shakes her head._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
You are a foolish child.

_Before he can reply, the music fades to silence and  
Dumbledore turns to face the couple in front of him._

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
Friends, Florinese, Countrymen.  
Lend me your rears....

_He trails off as he realises everyone is staring at him in  
confusion._

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
(smiling apologetically)  
Sorry - that's the start of my next  
speech to The ICW.

_He reaches inside his robes, and pulls out another roll of  
parchment._

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
We are gathered here today to join  
together in holy matrimony Princess  
Ginny, and Harry Buttercup.

_Harry frowns at the use of his last name, but stays silent._

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
Marriage is an honourable estate,  
and should not be entered in to  
lightly or with any thought other  
than the love that will be shared  
(pauses) Unless it serves the  
greater good, in which case true  
love doesn't really matter.

_He looks around, smiling, then continues._

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
And though no one should dare to  
interfere with the path of true  
love, I find myself bound by the  
laws to ask if anyone knows any  
reason why these two people should  
not be married, let them speak now.

_He pauses, but before anyone can say anything, every guard  
in the chapel draws their sword and looks menacingly at the  
assembled congregation._

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
No one? (shrugs) Very well....

_Before he can continue, there is the sound of an explosion  
outside._

**EXT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN.**

_Rubeus turns to stare at Hermione and Moon with a  
disappointed look on his face._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
You had to blow up the wine?

_They both nod, then Hermione holds out the cloak._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Put this on, and we can get going.

_Rubeus puts the cloak on, and almost at once a field of mist  
surrounds him._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
So I just walk in to the courtyard,  
and they all run screaming?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
That's the plan (she glances at  
Moon, who is leaning heavily  
against a wall) Are you alright?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Turns out getting over being dead  
is harder than it looks.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(gesturing towards the castle  
gate)  
Can you still....

MOON LOVEGOOD  
For my love, there is nothing that  
I would not do (she pauses) Oh crap  
(she loses her balance and falls on  
her bum) Rubeus - go.

_Rubeus glances at Hermione, then turns, and strides in to  
the courtyard._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Just one more thing....

_She raises her wand, waves it in a circle, then lowers it. A  
moment later, music starts blaring through the air._

**INT CHAPEL, FLORIN CASTLE**

_A number of the soldiers have left, and the congregation is  
looking around nervously. Ginny is looking up at Dumbledore,  
while Harry, for the first time, is smiling sightly._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
I believe that is my beloved now.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
You beloved is dead. I killed her  
myself.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(leaning towards her)  
Then why do I see fear in your  
eyes?

**EXT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN.**

_The guards are fleeing from the effect of Rubeus' cloak,  
while Hermione drags Moon along on a litter behind her._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
FLEE PUNY MORTALS! FOR I AM YOUR  
DOOM!

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(to herself)  
He is having way too much fun with  
this.

_They reach the castle gate to find Percy stood at the door._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Let us in.

PERCY YELLIN  
I have instructions that no man  
shall pass this door. I have  
pledged my life.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Then this is your lucky day. None  
of us are men (she quickly draws  
her wand and shoves it under his  
throat) So you won't be breaking  
your pledge.

_Percy gulps, then nods._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Leave, and don't come back.

PERCY YELLIN  
Yes, m'am.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
And don't call me m'am.

PERCY YELLIN  
Yes, sir.

_Before she can reply, he turns and runs away. Hermione  
watches him, then turns back to Rubeus._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Could you knock?

**INT CHAPEL, FLORIN CASTLE**

_There is a loud boom as the door shakes._

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
And now the happy couple will  
recite their vows.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Skip to the end.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
Pardon me?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Man and wife. Say man and wife!

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
I can't just skip to the end  
(pauses) Can I?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Marrying Harry will serve the  
greater good - it will make Florin  
great again.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
(responds quickly without  
hesitation)  
I now pronounce you Man and Wife!

_Harry stares at Dumbledore in blank disbelief._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(stunned disbelief)  
She didn't come.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(turning to Ron)  
Take him to my bedchamber, and see  
he is guarded.

RONALD RUGEN  
As you wish.

_He escorts Harry out, while Ginny turns and walks the other  
way._

_Just as they leave, the door to the chapel flies inwards, to  
reveal Rubeus, Hermione and Moon stood in a straight line._

_They look around, but the chapel is completely empty._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Well - that's a bit of anti-climax.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry is being lead down a passageway by Ron, Molly and a  
few guards._

_Suddenly, there is a noise behind them, as the sound of a  
door being ripped of its hinges echoes through the corridor._

RONALD RUGEN  
(turning to Molly)  
Take him back to his chambers. We  
will be along momentarily.

MOLLY HUMPERDINK  
Yes, Count Rugen.

_She takes Harry's hand, and they walk off down the passage  
way. Ron turns to the soldiers._

RONALD RUGEN  
Come with me.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Hermione, Moon and Rubeus are walking down a passageway,  
that looks a lot like all the other passageways. Moon is  
leaning heavily on Hermione, clearly still weak._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Is it me, or are all these  
passageways alike?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Defence against enemies. First you  
get them good and lost, then you  
kill them.

RONALD RUGEN  
(off screen)  
I'm so glad you understand.

_He comes round the corner with the guards from before._

RONALD RUGEN  
It will make killing you all the  
sweeter.

_Hermione stares at him, a smouldering anger clear on her  
face._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(whispering)  
Take her.

_She leans Moon on Rubeus arm, then takes two steps forward._

RONALD RUGEN  
Oh my word. It's you. The little  
witch-bitch I dumped all those  
years ago (laughs) I might've known  
you'd be involved with this band of  
half-wits, dullards, dunces and  
dumb-asses. Tell me, Minnie, did  
you get your money back on that  
dress, or is that why you are  
running around with this bunch of  
yokels?

_Hermione stares at him, but doesn't answer._

RONALD RUGEN  
(takes a step forward, until  
they are face to face)  
I asked you a question, Minnie.

_He reaches out, but she slaps his hand away._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Do not call me Minnie (pauses) My  
name is Hermione Montoya. You broke  
my heart. Prepare to d....

_Before she can finish, Ron turns and bolts down the  
passageway, leaving Hermione staring after him._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Hey - I wasn't done monologuing!  
Get back here you bastard!!

_She chases off down the passageway, leaving Rubeus and Moon  
facing the guards._

GUARD #1  
(raising his sword)  
We can do this the easy way, or the  
hard way.

_Rubeus stares at them, then leans Moon up against the wall.  
He turns back to face the guards._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
I pick the easy way.

_He morphs in to Filius, and sends a wave of red light down  
the passage, stunning all three of them._

_He looks at their unconscious bodies, then turns back, only  
to find Moon has gone._

FILIUS FEZZIK  
Oh, as they say, crap. Hermione is  
not going to be happy with me.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry is lead in to his chambers by Molly, and he sits at  
his desk._

MOLLY HUMPERDINK  
(smiling politely)  
Well - I will let you get ready for  
your wife (smiles knowingly) You  
should eat something - you will  
probably have a very tiring night.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
I don't think so (smiles) Because  
in about twenty minutes I will be  
killing myself.

MOLLY HUMPERDINK  
(not really listening)  
That's nice dear. Don't forget to  
clean the knife afterwards,  
otherwise it will rust.

_She turns and walks out of the room, leaving Harry staring  
after her in bemusement._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Ron runs down a passageway and vanishes out of sight._

_A moment later, Hermione runs down after him._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Ron runs down a passageway and vanishes out of sight._

_A moment later, Hermione runs down after him._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Ron runs down a passageway and vanishes out of sight._

_A moment later, Hermione runs down after him._

_After a second, she stops, and looks around, then turns to  
the camera._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
I know we're doing this on a pretty  
small budget, but couldn't you at  
least try to make the passageways  
look a little different?

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Ron runs down a passageway that is painted in bright,  
day-glo colours and has an enchanted ceiling that shows the  
moon above him. As he reaches the end, he goes through a  
door._

_Hermione enters the passageway and skids to a halt, staring  
at the walls and ceiling. She then looks back to the camera._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(sighing)  
Sometimes I wonder why I even  
bother.

_She runs down the passage and bounds through the door._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Hermione bursts in to the room, only for Ron to hit her on  
the head with a club, sending her flying over a table and on  
to the floor._

RONALD RUGEN  
(staring down at her)  
Pathetic (shakes his head) You mean  
to tell me you've been looking for  
me ever since I came to my senses?

_Hermione stares up at him, not saying anything._

RONALD RUGEN  
(laughs to himself)  
You've waited all this time to  
confront me, just to fall on your  
ass? (laughs again) I think that's  
the saddest thing I've ever seen.

_He throws his head back and laughs hysterically._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry picks up the box on his desk, and opens it. Inside  
there is a shiny, silver dagger._

_He takes it out, and looks at it._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Soon, my love.

_He raises the dagger above him, and then starts to bring it  
downwards._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
Would anyone like another hot  
chocolate?

LEO POTTER

ELOISE POTTER  
MUM!

LUNA POTTER  
(smirking)  
Sorry - just thought I'd ask.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Hermione stares up at Ron._

ELOISE POTTER  
(voice over)  
What about Harry??

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
All in good time, dear.

RONALD RUGEN  
Well - this reunion has been swell,  
but the swelling's gone down. Time  
to die, Minnie.

_He raises his wand, but she gets to her feet._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
My name is Hermione Montoya. You  
broke my heart. Prepare to die!

RONALD RUGEN  
(amused)  
You're still fighting? See - this  
is why I left you! You never knew  
when to give up!

_He flings a stunning spell at her, but she waves her hand  
and it goes wide to the left._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
My name is Hermione Montoya. You  
broke my heart. Prepare to die!

_Ron flings another stunning spell, but this goes wide to the  
right following another wave of her hand._

_Hermione starts walking forward, all the while staring at  
him in anger._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(louder)  
My name is Hermione Montoya. You  
broke my heart. Prepare to die!

_Ron casts another stunning spell at her, but this one goes  
over her head._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(almost shouting)  
My name is Hermione Montoya! You  
broke my heart! Prepare to DIE!

_Ron throws both his hands forward, and two beams of red  
light shoot out of his hands. They strike Hermione in the  
chest, but she keeps walking forward._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(actually shouting)  
MY NAME IS HERMIONE MONTOYA! YOU  
BROKE MY HEART! PREPARE TO DIE!!

_She reaches out and grabs him by the throat._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(voice goes deathly quiet)  
Tell me you're sorry.

RONALD RUGEN  
I'm sorry.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Tell me what you would do if you  
were me?

RONALD RUGEN  
(fearfully)  
I would kill you in the worst way I  
could.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(whispering)  
You're not as stupid as you look.

_She takes a step back, then casts a levitation spell,  
flinging him across the room until he crashes in to the far  
wall. He falls down, dazed, but not knocked out._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(over her shoulder)  
But since I'm a better person than  
you, I'm going to leave you,  
knowing you were beaten by the  
better man.

_As she starts walking towards the door, Ron stands up, and  
runs towards her._

_Without looking back, she reaches in to her jacket and pulls  
the small, black ball out. She throughs it over her  
shoulder, and it smashes on the floor, creating a huge hole.  
Then she turns to face him._

_Ron, who is focused on her, doesn't notice, and falls in to  
it. Just before he vanishes, he sees her smiling at him._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
I may be a better person, but I'm  
not stupid.

_A second later, he vanishes, and the hole disappears. She  
stares at the floor for a moment, then turns and walks out  
of the room._

**EXT THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, FLORIN**

_The Forest is quiet, then, suddenly, a hole appears on the  
ground. Ron shoots up out of it, and it vanishes before he  
lands._

_He gets to his feet and dusts himself off._

RONALD RUGEN  
That little witch! I'm going to...

_He trails off as he hears a series of soft, clicking noises  
around him._

_The camera switches to his POV, and, as it turns 360  
degrees, we see nearly fifty AOUS, all standing perfectly  
still, looking at him._

_Once the camera has done with its rotation, we focus back on  
Ron._

RONALD RUGEN  
(resigned look on his face)  
Bollocks.

_The spiders all surge forwards._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
Hermione walked back through the  
castle, trying to find where Moon  
and Rubeus had gone.

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Harry is poised with the dagger above his chest. He starts  
to pull it down._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(off screen)  
There are a shortage of perfect  
breasts in the kingdom.

_Harry spins round, dropping the knife in surprise. Moon is  
lying on his bed, smiling fondly at her._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
It would be a shame for you to die  
before you get to fully appreciate  
mine.

_Harry jumps to his feet, and bounds over to the bed. He  
starts kissing...._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LEO POTTER  
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

ELOISE POTTER  
Oh get over it!

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_.....her, on her lips, cheeks, forehead, nose....._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LEO POTTER  
We get it!

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_..... and hands._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Gently!

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Who wants to be gentle?

_He leans down, just as she leans up, and they bump their  
heads._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
OWWW!

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
OWWW!

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(slight smirk)  
Told you to be gentle.

_Harry leans down and kisses her softly on the lips. But, as  
the kiss continues, his face becomes panicked and he leans  
back._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(looking at him in worry)  
Honey? What's wrong?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
I've done something terrible.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Is this about where your hand was?  
Because trust me, it's not that  
terrible.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
No - it's not that (he sighs) I got  
married.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(sounding interested)  
Really? Was it a nice ceremony?

_Harry stares at her in bemusement._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(smiling slightly)  
I mean - was it traditional? Did  
the preacher ask if anyone  
objected?

_Harry nods._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
And he said you were man and wife?

_Harry nods again._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
And you gave your vows?

_Harry frowns slightly._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
And of course you must have said I  
do.

_Harry shakes his head._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
You didn't say I do?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
I think we were going to do that,  
then someone blew up two dozen  
caskets of wine.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Yeah - that was my bad. Sorry.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
So.... I'm not married.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(grinning madly)  
No - you're not married.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
And you came for me.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(still grinning)  
Yes, I came for you.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
I will always love you.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
And I will always love you.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(off screen)  
And I am just about to throw up.

_They turn to see Ginny stood in the doorway, wand raised._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
Now, if you will kindly let go of  
my husband, I will kill you again.  
And this time I will make sure you  
stay dead.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(still lying down)  
Are you so sure you can?

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
You look half-dead, Roberts, and if  
you don't want your pookie-bear to  
join you, you will surrender now.

_Moon glances at Harry, and nods to one side. Harry stands  
up, and backs away. Moon turns back to face Ginny (though  
she is still lying down)._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Perhaps you are right.

_She rolls on to one side._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Perhaps I am lying in this bed,  
because I am incapable of summoning  
the strength to stand up, you  
miserable sack of horse-vomit.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
I don't think I have ever been  
insulted like that before.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(tilts her head to one side)  
Somehow I doubt that.

_She sits up, but does not rise out of the bed._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Or perhaps I am not attacking  
because I have seen so much blood  
and death that I do not want to  
spill another drop.

_She spins to one side and puts her feet on the floor, but  
still remains seated._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Or maybe I would not lower myself  
to fight with such a coward as you.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(spitting feathers)  
COWARD? YOU DARE.....

_She leaps to her feet, and points her wand at Ginny's heart._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(equally loud)  
I DARE DO ALL THAT MAY BECOME A  
MAN! (seriously, slowly) NOW DROP.  
YOUR. WAND.

_Ginny stares at her for a moment, then throws her wand  
across the room._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(slightly quieter, she  
gestures with her wand)  
Sit!

_Ginny scampers over to the chair in the corner._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(glancing at Harry)  
Tie her up.

_Harry walks over and starts tying Ginny to the chair with  
ropes from the curtains._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Now, you stupid cow, listen to me,  
and listen good. If you come near  
Harry again, I will make you regret  
it.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(sneering)  
You'll do what? Kill me?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
No - I will hurt you worse than  
that.

_As she speaks, her voice gets quieter, but Ginny gets more  
and more pale._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
The first thing you lose will be  
your feet below the ankles. Then  
your hands at the wrists. Then your  
nose.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(trying to sound brave, but  
failing miserably)  
And then my tongue?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(cutting across her)  
I wasn't finished. The next thing  
you lose will be your be your your  
left eye, followed by your right.

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
(snappish)  
And then my ears I suppose?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(talking in a whisper)  
Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll  
tell you why. So that every shriek  
of every child at seeing your  
hideousness will be yours to  
cherish. Every babe that weeps at  
your approach, ever woman who cries  
out "Dear God, what is that thing?"  
will echo in your perfect ears.

_She stares down at Ginny, then topples over backwards in a  
dead faint._

GINNY HUMPERDINK  
I knew she was bluffing! (turns to  
Harry) I knew it!

_Hermione comes in, glances at Moon, then turns to Harry._

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
Help her.

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
What's wrong with her?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
She's getting over being dead (she  
shrugs) It takes a little time.

_Harry runs over to Moon's side, and, with a wicked smile at  
Ginny, he leans over and kisses her._

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

_Luna glances at Leo, but he doesn't say anything._

**INT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN**

_Moon sits up with a huge grin, while Hermione gives a little  
cheer._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Now that's the way to wake up!

_She kisses Harry back, then turns to Ginny._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(bowing slightly)  
Thank you for your hospitality,  
your Majesty, but we'll be leaving  
now.

_Ginny stares at her mutinously, but doesn't say anything._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Where is Rubeus?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(shrugs)  
He'll be about here somewhere.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(off screen, shouting)  
I'm down here!

_The three of them walk over to the window, though Moon is  
leaning on Harry as they go._

**EXT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN.**

_The camera goes to the reverse angle to show the three  
staring out of the window._

_They see Rubeus holding four horses._

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
(yelling up to the window)  
I found these wandering around the  
stable yard, and I thought they'd  
come in handy if you all weren't  
horribly killed in the battle.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(smiling wryly)  
Good thinking.

RUBEUS FEZZIK  
So - are you coming or what?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
How do we get down? (pauses) And  
who's he?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
You don't remember Fezzik?

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
(frowning)  
I thought Fezzik was a little guy  
(holds his hand up to Filius'  
height) Yay tall.

_Rubeus transforms in to Filius._

HARRY BUTTERCUP  
Oh (blinks a few times) That would  
explain why he's the muscle?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(smirking)  
Pretty much.

FILIUS FEZZIK  
Jump, and I'll catch you.

_Moon and Harry look at Hermione, who nods. Harry kisses Moon  
softly on the cheek, then jumps out._

FILIUS FEZZIK  
WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!

_While Harry floats slowly to the ground, Moon turns to  
Hermione._

MOON LOVEGOOD  
So - now you've dealt with your ex,  
what are your plans?

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
(tilting her head to one side)  
I don't know. I've been searching  
for him for so long, I never really  
gave any thought to what came  
after.

MOON LOVEGOOD  
Have you considered writing for the  
screen? Because I bet this would  
make an excellent movie.

HERMIONE MONTOYA  
I thought you would want me to take  
over being Roberts?

MOON LOVEGOOD  
(frowns slightly)  
Oh - yeah. Well - I suppose you  
could do that instead.

_Before Hermione can reply, Moon jumps out and is lowered to  
the ground by Filius. Hermione watches, looking  
contemplative, then she follows the other two._

**EXT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN.**

_The four of them, on horseback, ride out of the main castle  
gate._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
As the sun rose, Harry and Moon  
reigned in their horses, and turned  
to look at each other. As they  
realised they'd escaped, a wave of  
love swept over them. They leaned  
towards each other and....

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

LUNA POTTER  
(lowering the book)  
But you probably don't want to hear  
about that.

ELOISE POTTER  
(indignant)  
Yes I do!

_They both turn to look at Leo._

LEO POTTER  
(shrugs)  
I don't mind.

LUNA POTTER  
(smiling fondly)  
Okay.

**EXT FLORIN CASTLE, FLORIN.**

_Harry and Moon are gazing in to each other's eyes._

LUNA POTTER  
(voice over)  
Since the invention of the kiss,  
there have been five kisses rated  
as the most passionate, the most  
pure (pauses) And to be honest,  
this wasn't one of them (pauses)  
But Moon had only just got over  
being dead, and Harry was still  
surprised he wasn't married (pauses  
again) But they would have the rest  
of their lives to get it right, and  
to live happily ever after.

**INT CHILDREN'S BEDROOM, ENGLAND**

_Luna puts the book down._

LUNA POTTER  
Time for bed, my darlings.

_She goes over and tucks each of them in in turn, then kisses  
them goodnight._

_She walks out, closing the door._

**INT LANDING, ENGLAND**

_Pulling the door closed, she turns to find Harry standing in  
front of her._

HARRY POTTER  
You know, I've got a lot better at  
the kissing thing since then.

LUNA POTTER  
(smiling)  
Are you sure? You don't think we  
should go and practice some more?

HARRY POTTER  
(smiles fondly at her)  
By your command.

_They walk off in to another room and close the door._

_The words " **THE END** " come up, and the camera starts to pull  
back._

**EXT POTTER HOUSE, ENGLAND**

_The camera continues to pull back through a window, then  
back until we see a young woman crouched on the branch of a  
tree. The camera spins round until we see the face of Ginny  
staring in the window._

_Just before the screen cuts to black, a wicked, cunning  
smile crosses her face._

**CLOSING CREDITS**

_(on screen text)_

A **SammyWrae** Film.

_Cast_ (in no particular order)

**Setting Sun Farm**

_Luna Lovegood_ as Luna Potter, Moon Lovegood, The Dread  
Pirate Roberts, The Woman In Black and The Mysterious Figure

_Harry Potter_ as Harry Buttercup and Harry Potter

**The Evil Trio**

_Draco Malfoy_ as Draco Vezzini

_Rubeus Hagrid_ and _Filius Flitwick_ as Fezzik

_Hermione Granger_ as Hermione Motoya

**The Palace Staff**

_Ginny Weasley_ as Ginny Humperdink

_Ronald Weasley_ as Ronald Rugen

_Percy Weasley_ as Percy Yellin

_Severus Snape_ as The Albino (Severus)

_Albus Dumbledore_ as The Preacher

_Molly Weasley_ as The Queen

_Arthur Weasley_ as The King (scenes cut)

**Miracle Macs Staff**

_Fred Weasley_ as Fred

_George Weasley_ as George

_Lee Jordan_ as Lee

**Other Characters**

_Eloise_ and _Leo Potter_ as The Children

_Dolores Umbridge_ as The Dread Pirate Roberts

_The Princess Bride Characters, Dialog and Locations created  
by William Goldman based on the book by Simon Morgenstern_

_Harry Potter Characters and Locations created by JK Rowling_

_Original Dialog and Script created by **SammyWrae**_

_Adaptation by **SammyWrae**_

A **Gemini Studios** / **Home Of The Angel** Production

**INT DETECTIVE OFFICE, NEW YORK**

_Harry Potter, dressed in a sharp suit and a fedora, is sat  
on the floor, writing on some parchment._

HARRY POTTER (voice over)

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because the  
bailiffs had repossessed my desk.

I looked up as a tall blonde walked past the window. She had  
to be tall - I was on the twelfth floor.

There was a tap on the door. I blame cowboy plumbers.

I opened it, and there stood a red-head. She didn't have any  
hair, just a red head.

She rolled her eyes at me, but since people were always  
telling me I have my mother's eyes, I figured I didn't need  
any more, so I rolled them back.

She said "You got a light mac?"

I said "No, just a dark overcoat"

She frowned and said "Cut that lip", so I did, and nearly  
bled to death.

She told me that a friend of hers was in hospital, and that  
we should visit them.

We took the lift down twelve floors - it was a bit heavy,  
but we managed it.

We got outside, and she said "Call me a taxi"

So I said "You're a taxi"

The taxi stopped with a jerk. The jerk got out, and we got  
in.

We drove twelve blocks to the hospital, then gave them to  
the kids in Paediatrics to play with.

As we went in, I suggested her friend might like some  
flowers. She nodded, and stooped to pick a buttercup. I  
wasn't sure why she was giving her friend a buttock, but I  
thought she knew best.

We went up to her friends room. I asked him "Does it hurt?"

He said "Only when I laugh"

So I told him a joke, and he died laughing.

**INT POTTER HOUSE, ENGLAND**

_Harry is staring at Luna with an amused look on her face._

HARRY POTTER  
Yeah - you should never tell that  
story again.

**  
_The screen cuts to black._   
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Disclaimer**
> 
>  
> 
> Harry Potter (et al) remain the property of JK Rowling. 
> 
> "The Princess Bride" remains the property of William Goldman and Simon Morgenstern. 
> 
> The adaptation remains the property of me!
> 
>  
> 
> **Notes**
> 
>  
> 
> This was originally going to be another in the "Lost" series of stories (Lost in Middle Earth, Lost in Oz, Lost in Forkes etc), but a day or so after I started it, I realised it would actually be more fun if the characters didn't know what was going on, and if it was just a parody of the story (not that Lost In Middle Earth is a work of seriousness!)
> 
> It was written April 2009, and took me about 15 or so days to write. 
> 
> But then I lost the urge to format it, because there were more stories to write and more tales to tell. 
> 
> However I haven't posted any stories in the last two months, so I thought that - along with "The 9th Floor (NaNo 2012) - I would finally get this posted. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it :)


End file.
